I’m behind, I admit it. But, having watched two episodes in a row, I am not sure how Ryan Lochte hasn’t drowned in the pool yet. He makes me so unbelievably happy with his stupidity and mouth breathing. When he’s mouth breathing, he truly looks like the missing link.
Here’s the recap for the past two weeks.
Jeah count: excessive 15
In this episode, Ryan’s “girlfriend” Jaimee comes from London. He loves her. He can’t admit it, but he does. She seemed to be the main focus of the episode, but it’s so ADD it’s hard to tell what it’s all about. He also has a swim meet in Orlando, to which he does terribly. That’s what happens when you brag on camera about having sex the night before a meet.
Fashion misses: The fact that he got 4th place doesn’t bother me. What bothers me are the shoes that he wears to the meet. First off, it’s a swim meet. Why do you need anything other than flip flops? Second, the sneakers are high tops- neon yellow, with orange and pink and green neon AND the tongues of the hightops are teddy bears. Yes- teddy bears. And to quote him “I look fresh in these kicks”. I know he’s a professional athlete and they can go off the cuff, but seriously???
He just looks F-ing stupid. He’s like Flava Flav. He has a stupid diamond grill and instead of clocks around his neck, he has stupid (creepy) teddy bear shoes on his feet. If I met a guy who wore those shoes, that would be immediate grounds for two things…1- dumping him, 2. bashing him unmercifully until he cried. I try not to be that mean, but these shoes are screaming out for it.
Lastly in the episode, he tries to cook for Jaimee. He says he has only cooked twice. He makes her a pizza and has to call his local pizza joint, who know him by name, to figure out how long to cook it and at what temperature. And ladies- if a man makes you dinner, don’t you expect dessert too? He had no dessert!!
Jeah count: reasonable 8
Fashion misses: First- he wears a black t-shirt and a plaid vest. He’s just missing the kilt. Second- he lives in Gainesville, Florida. It’s always hot in Florida. He wears a beanie. Who wears a beanie in humid Florida?
In this episode, he refers to himself in the 3rd person way too often. He rarely says I or Me. He says Ryan Lochte ALL. THE. TIME.
He and his “Lochterage” (seriously- who dubbs their friends after themselves? Ryan Lochte does!) frequent a nightclub called 101 Downtown. The club manager all but gets down on his knees for Lochte. He hooks him up with booze and girls but requests some kind of memorabilia for the club. Cue the devilish assistant…his assistant arranges to have a cast of him made to hang on the wall. No big deal.
As he is being plastered/casted he asks these very questions: “Has anyone ever died doing this? Is this what you do to mummies? Is this going to rip my nipples off?”
He should be the chief subject in a study of the effects of chlorine.
Lastly- some fun Lochte comments:
“I want to design a line of baby clothes because I am so tired of baby clothes. I see the same stuff all the time.”
“Twitter is how you communidcate with the world. (not a typo)”
“As a swimmer, I have really powerful lungs…almost 3 lungs”
“You have to be aerodynamic, like a pencil, to be a swimmer. “(because pencils are so aerodynamic)
“My dream job as a kid was to be an accountant because I like dealing with money.”
“When I see the magazines with Sexiest Man Alives (not a typo) and my picture is on it…”
(His brother tried the challenge of eating bananas and then eating soda to test it to see if you actually barf- you do). “See- proving science works!”
Enjoy folks! Your IQ just dropped about 20 points with this recap alone!