WWRLD #3-4

I’m behind, I admit it.  But, having watched two episodes in a row, I am not sure how Ryan Lochte hasn’t drowned in the pool yet.  He makes me so unbelievably happy with his stupidity and mouth breathing.  When he’s mouth breathing, he truly looks like the missing link.

Here’s the recap for the past two weeks.

Episode 3:

Jeah count: excessive 15

In this episode, Ryan’s “girlfriend” Jaimee comes from London.  He loves her.  He can’t admit it, but he does.  She seemed to be the main focus of the episode, but it’s so ADD it’s hard to tell what it’s all about.  He also has a swim meet in Orlando, to which he does terribly.  That’s what happens when you brag on camera about having sex the night before a meet.

Fashion misses: The fact that he got 4th place doesn’t bother me.  What bothers me are the shoes that he wears to the meet.  First off, it’s a swim meet.  Why do you need anything other than flip flops?  Second, the sneakers are high tops- neon yellow, with orange and pink and green neon AND the tongues of the hightops are teddy bears.  Yes- teddy bears.  And to quote him “I look fresh in these kicks”.  I know he’s a professional athlete and they can go off the cuff, but seriously???

He just looks F-ing stupid.  He’s like Flava Flav.  He has a stupid diamond grill and instead of clocks around his neck, he has stupid (creepy) teddy bear shoes on his feet.  If I met a guy who wore those shoes, that would be immediate grounds for two things…1- dumping him, 2. bashing him unmercifully until he cried.  I try not to be that mean, but these shoes are screaming out for it.

Lastly in the episode, he tries to cook for Jaimee.  He says he has only cooked twice.  He makes her a pizza and has to call his local pizza joint, who know him by name, to figure out how long to cook it and at what temperature.  And ladies- if a man makes you dinner, don’t you expect dessert too?  He had no dessert!!

Episode 4:

Jeah count: reasonable 8

Fashion misses:  First- he wears a black t-shirt and a plaid vest.  He’s just missing the kilt.  Second- he lives in Gainesville, Florida.  It’s always hot in Florida.  He wears a beanie.  Who wears a beanie in humid Florida?

In this episode, he refers to himself in the 3rd person way too often.  He rarely says I or Me.  He says Ryan Lochte ALL. THE. TIME.

He and his “Lochterage” (seriously- who dubbs their friends after themselves?  Ryan Lochte does!) frequent a nightclub called 101 Downtown.  The club manager all but gets down on his knees for Lochte.  He hooks him up with booze and girls but requests some kind of memorabilia for the club.  Cue the devilish assistant…his assistant arranges to have a cast of him made to hang on the wall.  No big deal.

As he is being plastered/casted he asks these very questions: “Has anyone ever died doing this?  Is this what you do to mummies?  Is this going to rip my nipples off?”

He should be the chief subject in a study of the effects of chlorine.

Lastly- some fun Lochte comments:

“I want to design a line of baby clothes because I am so tired of baby clothes.  I see the same stuff all the time.”

“Twitter is how you communidcate with the world. (not a typo)”

“As a swimmer, I have really powerful lungs…almost 3 lungs”

“You have to be aerodynamic, like a pencil, to be a swimmer. “(because pencils are so aerodynamic)

“My dream job as a kid was to be an accountant because I like dealing with money.”

“When I see the magazines with Sexiest Man Alives (not a typo) and my picture is on it…”

(His brother tried the challenge of eating bananas and then eating soda to test it to see if you actually barf- you do).  “See- proving science works!”

Enjoy folks!  Your IQ just dropped about 20 points with this recap alone!

En Fuego

If y’all have been watching the news, you have seen my town on fire. Yup! We have a grade on the freeway here that goes from Newbury park to Camarillo (the land of strawberries). At least three times a summer, it sets on fire, and it’s usually a tiny brush fire. The hills go straight up on either side of the grade and the flames are usually put out pretty quickly.

But not yesterday. My husband was at work, preparing to get off and come home, but instead called me early and told me there was a brush fire on the Camarillo grade and he might be home later. Might. In a matter of about 2 hours, the fire went from a tiny fire to a massive brush fire. Currently it’s about 8,000 acres and is burning straight to the ocean, if it hasn’t gotten there yet. I’d imagine by the time this posts, it will be closer to 10 or 12,000 acres.

Don’t worry… I am perfectly safe. It’s on the other side of town, about 15 miles away. We have not been in any danger, although I was worried about my in-laws and some friends for awhile.

So when you watch the news and see the yellow and blue helicopters… That’s where I live! All the houses that have been on the news are huge McMansions. My house looks nothing like those! The neighborhood that was burning is the ritzy area. (Or incredibly overpriced track homes in a valley of wind- however you want to look at it).

The joys of living in California! We’re one step closer to falling off into the ocean! With the right catastrophic event, I could have beach front property!

WWRLD Part 2

It’s that time of the week!  The What Would Ryan Lochte Do? recap…

I have to say- this is my new favorite show.  While I find him to be of sub-par intelligence, he is absolutely fascinating.

In this episode, Ryan and his assistant go drunk golfing (golfing terribly while drinking), and then he and his mom go to DC so he can accept an award from the Muscular Dystrophy Association.  This part is actually kind of touching.  He lost a family member to MD so he actively supports awareness and fundraising.  He also said that Abe Lincoln is his favorite president because he can rock a top hat. 

The most absolutely, spectacular, splenderific portion of this week’s episode was when he was speaking to the camera for one of the “confessional” moments.  He started to say something and then completely blanked out.  The producer asked him what happens during the blank out moments.  Ryan stated that he gets weird things in his head, like a jumping banana, and that all of a sudden he says- why is there a jumping banana in my head?  For the rest of the show, when he did his confessional interviews, they ran a banana wearing sunglasses across the screen whenever he blanked out.  The banana was there quite a bit!

At one point, I did feel sorry for the guy.  Some DC girls were talking to him and just railroading him about politics.  He had nothing for them other than to say “um….I’m a swimmer, other than my charity, I don’t really follow politics.”  He was WAY out of his league with these girls, although they also came across very pious and holier than thou.

At the end of the episode, after teaching his mom how to say JEAH (way too many times), he bought the woman a car.  A tender, made for TV moment.

Sure, his brain is a little chlorine overloaded, but the kid is entertaining.  Or should I say creative editing makes him hilarious.  I still haven’t decided if I’m laughing with him or at him, although I believe it is most likely the latter of the two.

Jeah count...20 times.  That’s an average of 1 a minute.  WAAAYYY too many!

JEAH!

My New Eyes!

Warning: some pictures might gross out you squeamish folks!

Anyone who has been following me on Facebook, or anyone who knows me, knows I just got LASIK!!!

I now have 20/20 vision and NO more glasses or contacts!

So here’s how it started…
On Sunday, I caught a ride with a friend down to Orange County where I had the procedure done. My sister is a friend of the ophthalmologist and I trust him to slice my eyeballs open.

I stayed at my dad’s girlfriends house because she has a spare bedroom. My dad doesn’t and my sister has two loud kids so I opted for a nice quiet retirement community apartment. Liz cooked me some GOOD food (I’m going to make my dad keep her forever just so she’ll feed me often), and then I settled in for a bad night of sleep. I didn’t expect to sleep well with the anxiety. I should have taken one of my Xanax that they gave me, but I was nervous about taking something at night when no one could here me die.

Monday morning was eye slicing day. They told me to take a Xanax an hour before going, so at 10:30, I popped a pill and waited to get loopy. (I have taken it once before…I flew shortly after 9/11 and remember thinking we were going to crash, but I didn’t care!). My dad drove me to Irvine to the eye center. His driving scared me, so I knew that I wasn’t quite ready. They had me take a second pill about 20 minutes before I went back. They asked me if I was ready. I said “I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. I just don’t know.” They took my ambivalence to mean I was ready. My dad could watch through these big windows…kind of like when you watch your car get washed. I lay down on this table and they scoot me back to the machine.

The part that freaked me out the most is that they put a suction cup on your eye and create a flap. I was a little nervous so they gave me stress balls to hold (huh huh…she said balls). I casually held them while they taped one eye shut and one eye open. They inserted a speculum type thingie into my eye, which is numbed up sufficiently.

They press the suction cup thingie onto your eye and it creates the flap. There is an assistant that counts down (and he was adorable). It takes 30 seconds to do the flap. They remove the machine, irrigate the eye, and then get the laser ready. The laser takes 10 seconds, is really loud, and smells like something is burning. Even I can hold my breath for 10 seconds, so I was okay. They irrigate the eye again, replace the flap, drown you in drops, and BAM I could see! My actual words were “holy shit I can see!”

Then they did the left eye. This one hurt. A lot. But… Before you all freak out, it’s because they had the suction cup thingie on my eye and were pressing against my brow bone. My eye felt no pain at all. During that time, my grip on the stress balls changed significantly. Again, it was only 30 seconds, but my eyebrow was aching!

They did the laser, and wham…20/20 vision. In 40 seconds an eye. It took longer for the second Xanax to kick in than the whole surgery.

Am I rocking the cap, or what?

I got a bazillion boxes of eye drops, a cool pair of sunglasses, and an eye shield for sleeping. I was fine til I hit the outside and started squinting. Then I couldn’t open my eyes anymore. There’s a reason they tell you to take a nap afterwards! And nap I did. 4 hours worth! After that, my eyes were tired, but I could keep them open.

I have to wear these goggles when I sleep so I don’t rub my eyes. Very sexy.

I have a little bruising under my lids from the speculum and my shields are uber cool… But who cares, I have 20/20 vision! I can see the clock (and as it turns out- measure children’s Motrin in the soft light of the night light at 2 am- couldn’t do that before!).

I have to wear a headband when I exercise so I don’t get sweat in my eyes. I have to wear it for a month. Coincidentally- your head sweats more when you wear a headband.

For the next month, I have to use eye drops like crazy and keep water out of my eyes. Other than that, no real limitations. Isn’t science amazing? (And I wanna know who the sick, yet brilliant, F-er who thought to use a laser to slice eyeballs open!

My bruising

What up yo?

Rocking the headband (it’s actually Ally’s…her head is that big that we can share!) I am so Jane Fonda now!

Before the surgery…me and my daddy.

WWRLD?

What the heck does that mean?

What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

For you, and for my morbid curiosity, I am watching What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

Each week, I will sum up Sunday’s episode.  Normally it would be done sooner, but I didn’t get to watch it until Wednesday night.

So, to sum up…Ryan Lochte is an idiot.  Not like he does dumb things.  He no smart.  He might be the dumbest person I have ever seen.

His tagline of Jeah is really annoying.  He looks like he might be a fun guy to party with if you were 18-21, but then he pops Jeah out of his mouth every 13 seconds and you want to smack him.  One thing I will say- when he is talking about swimming- he is smart, speaks well and is a fierce competitor.  He trains hard and then trains harder than that.  He even says at one point- I can’t feel my arms.  He is an Olympic Gold Medal winner and he still pushes himself to the point of exhaustion.

His biggest pick up line is “Do you want to go to dinner?” and for some girls it works, and some girls call him on his BS.  I think I would have a hard time keeping a straight face.

In this episode, he goes on a date with a blonde, who might be just as dumb as him.  Hello???- she didn’t know what a wonton was!  She had also never eaten sushi.  As he is pouring his heart out to her, she looks at him and says- you have really pretty eyes.

Doing a reality show may not work in his favor.  They have it carefully edited to make him look like a complete dipshit.  Turns out he takes all first dates out to the same exact sushi restaurant, which his sisters call him out on.  more specifically, they look at him and ask him if he is an idiot.  10 seconds into the show and you know the answer to that question.

To wrap up this week’s episode, I leave you with this thought…Ryan Lochte may swim fast, but no gold medal can make up for the chlorine soaked brain.  With that said- he seems to have a good time and throws a damn good party!  I would go to one of his (but I would also be the girl busting his balls right and left).

(and P.S. he lost a bet to his brother and had to detail his brother’s car with his own toothbrush.  He paid up, but WHO washes a car IN a garage???)

I Think My Laundry Is Fornicating…

The other day, I did 767 loads of laundry. With exception to the clothes that were on my back, there were NO dirty clothes in my house.

Fast forward two days- I have already done three loads and have two more to do. I only have two kids, and my husband wears a uniform and does his laundry at work. How is it possible that I have this much laundry?

Is it possible for laundry to “make like rabbits”? Because I think mine is. I don’t know how they intermix to do it. The whites are in one bin, the darks in another, and the kids and my husband all have their own bins. They must crawl out in the night and hump like teenagers in the garage. The gestational period is really short too…it seems that laundry babies are born within just a few hours. They grow to maturity in what seems like seconds too.

Let this be a lesson to you all…never leave your laundry alone for a second. Next thing you know you’ll have grandlaundry that you’ll have to take care of because the slutty shirts and pants are out fornicating like they are the last laundry on earth!

I Hope It’s True!!!

I read a story on the news that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan on naming their baby…(wait for it)…

North.

That would make the baby’s name…(wait for it)…

North West.

I hope to god this story is true because the endless ridicule will be hilarious. Every spoofie news show on the planet will rip them to shreds over the name of this baby!

How do you name siblings after that?

South

Out

Due (presumably spelled Dew)

Old

You can’t have one kid with the name North and the rest named something normal like Lisa, John, or Brandon.

Everyone please, for me, cross your fingers, jump up and down three times and spin in a circle clockwise so that this comes true. Please…for me.

And just for Kim’s sake, I really hope she starts to gain baby weight in a more flattering fashion. Poor girl!