This posting is in response to Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt…Create a reverse bucket list that names the top ten things you never want to do. Well, I didn’t exactly follow the rules. It’s a reverse, reverse bucket list. And it’s a reverse reverse bucket list of ridiculousness, but hey it’s my list!
1. I never, ever, never, ever, NEVER, EVER want to be stuck alone in a room with Bradley Cooper, George Clooney, or Ryan Reynolds. Ever. Yuck. Disgusting. If I was stuck in a room alone with any of them, I would become an adulterer and nobody loves an adulterer. Plus, their respective significant others would hate me. I don’t like being hated. (and yes, while I might not be Hollywood, I would find a way to make those men MINE- screw you Stacey Keibler!)
2. I never want to lose 15 pounds. Yuck, who wants tight abs, thin thighs and a nice high ass? Those things are absurd! Who would ever want to look good in a bikini? No thank you. I would like to remain in a tankini or one piece and have mismatched tan lines for the rest of my life. And shorts? That’s why capri pants were made.
3. I never ever want to live on a tropical island like Hawaii. All that fresh air, sunshine, and warmth and tropicalness. Yuck. I would much rather live in a temperate climate that causes the temperature to fluctuate by 20-30 degrees in one week. I want dry air, wind and the occasional and dry plants. No palm trees and white sandy beaches for me!
4. I never want to be on David Letterman. How horrible would it be to be that famous that you are on a widely popular late night talk show where the host fawns over you and makes fun at your expense. Blegh! I would hate to sit there and be admired for my fame and fortune.
5. I never ever want to drive the Audi S5. What a terribly unfortunate looking luxury car. I would much rather drive something Japanese or (gasp) American that is a nice family vehicle with no pomp and circumstance. If it doesn’t go from 0-60 in 5 minutes, I don’t want to drive it.
6. I never want to be burdened by wealth. I would much rather cut coupons, bargain shop and buy off the rack. Who needs the luxury of delicate linens and luxurious cottons and famous labels? I would much rather buy my ill fitting Old Navy tank top than one by Prada. Who needs brushed Egyptian cotton delicately caressing their skin? NOT ME!
7. I never want to live in more than 2,000 square feet. Who needs all that room when you can be on top of each other all the time? Who wants alone time, or enough bathrooms that your children would need to do a search for you and you would be done with your business before the audience shows up to watch? If you can’t poop in front of the ones you love, why even bother?
8. I would never want a nanny. Not ever. I want to spend all day every day for 18 years with my children. I never want to leave their sight. I want to be that helicopter mom whose children are completely smothered with love. I would never want someone to take my children off my hands for a few hours so I could have some peace and quiet and possibly run an errand without the threat of “no chocolate milk.” Really, it seems like an extravagance that I don’t need any part in.
9. I never want beach front property. Why on earth would I want the relaxing sounds of the waves when I have the relaxing sounds of cars driving by? Why would I want to have sand between my toes, when I can wear shoes all the time? All that fresh ocean air would be just terrible for my lungs. I would much rather have smog.
10. I never want to have jewels. Sure I have some jewelry, but Neil Lane, Harry Winston? Who needs those guys? I don’t need to be dripping in emeralds and sapphires and diamonds. I don’t want to have a bodyguard following me around because I am wearing millions of dollars of borrowed jewels. Who needs that? I would much rather have my semi precious jewels and silver plated fake jewels that turn my fingers green.
11. And a bonus- I would never EVER want to be blessed with a fast metabolism. Why on earth would I want to burn calories quickly and efficiently? I would much rather my food sit in my gut and take it’s time exiting. I wouldn’t want to put the laxative companies out of business. I also wouldn’t want to eat more than my fair share of food. That wouldn’t be fair.