1. (insert best New York accent) In I’ll have some fava beans and a nice Chianti news… a New York cop is being held without bail, accused of conspiring to kidnap, rape, torture and cook a number of women and eat their body parts. People really do taste like chicken!
2. In I Am Speechless news… A Serbian man carried out his dead wife’s wishes and had her vagina carved onto her tombstone. She said she never wanted her husband to look at the privates of another woman. But men across Serbia can look at hers!!!
3. In more Jackassery and Douchebaggery news…Richard Murdock suggests that pregnancies from rape are God’s will. He says the rape isn’t God’s will, but the baby is. Bill Maher suggests that the Republican party needs to step up and say that Republicans will not tolerate this as part of their party beliefs. If you live in Indiana, for the love of God, DO NOT vote for this man.
4. In What The F*ck Is Up In Ohio news…An Arby’s worker was fired after she fled the restaurant when a man wielding a knife showed up and tried to rob her. She screamed for help and then jumped out the drive thru window stating “I’m not going to die in Arbys tonight”. This was the third time the restaurant had been robbed in 6 months. She “violated policy” according to the franchise owners.
5. A Jersey City man is under a psychiatric evaluation after he stripped naked, defecated in a police cruiser and bit off his own finger before swallowing it. Cops are pretty sure he is on PCP as he tried to gnaw off his wrists in the third attempt to get him to the hospital.
6. In Surprisingly, This Did Not Happen In The South or Ohio news…a little girl is fighting for her life after a relative shot her with a shotgun. The little girl was in costume as a skunk and hid in the bushes around the relatives home. The relative mistook her for a skunk and started target practice. She is alive, but fighting for her life.
7. In Trumped news…Donald Trump is offering 5 million dollars to the charity of Obama’s choice if he releases his college entrance applications and transcripts, passports, etc. Stephen Colbert is offering Trump a million dollars to the charity of his choice if he’ll let Stephen dip his balls in Trump’s mouth. I’m with Colbert!