What I Learned This Week…

1.  (insert best New York accent) In I’ll have some fava beans and a nice Chianti news… a New York cop is being held without bail,  accused of conspiring to kidnap, rape, torture and cook a number of women and eat their body parts.  People really do taste like chicken!

2. In I Am Speechless news… A Serbian man carried out his dead wife’s wishes and had her vagina carved onto her tombstone.  She said she never wanted her husband to look at the privates of another woman.  But men across Serbia can look at hers!!!

3. In more Jackassery and Douchebaggery news…Richard Murdock suggests that pregnancies from rape are God’s will.  He says the rape isn’t God’s will, but the baby is.  Bill Maher suggests that the Republican party needs to step up and say that Republicans will not tolerate this as part of their party beliefs.  If you live in Indiana, for the love of God, DO NOT vote for this man.

4. In What The F*ck Is Up In Ohio news…An Arby’s worker was fired after she fled the restaurant when a man wielding a knife showed up and tried to rob her.  She screamed for help and then jumped out the drive thru window stating “I’m not going to die in Arby’s tonight”.  This was the third time the restaurant had been robbed in 6 months.  She “violated policy” according to the franchise owners.

5. A Jersey City man is under a psychiatric evaluation after he stripped naked, defecated in a police cruiser and bit off his own finger before swallowing it.   Cops are pretty sure he is on PCP as he tried to gnaw off his wrists in the third attempt to get him to the hospital.

6. In Surprisingly, This Did Not Happen In The South or Ohio news…a little girl is fighting for her life after a relative shot her with a shotgun.  The little girl was in costume as a skunk and hid in the bushes around the relatives home.  The relative mistook her for a skunk and started target practice.  She is alive, but fighting for her life.

7. In Trumped news…Donald Trump is offering 5 million dollars to the charity of Obama’s choice if he releases his college entrance applications and transcripts, passports, etc.  Stephen Colbert is offering Trump a million dollars to the charity of his choice if he’ll let Stephen dip his balls in Trump’s mouth.  I’m with Colbert!

The Secret to a Good Night Sleep

It seems like every week my local news channel has unlocked the secret to getting a good night’s sleep.  Unfortunately I can never watch it because it’s (ironically) always on the 11 o’clock news.  Don’t you think that should be 5 o’clock news so everyone can watch and learn the new miraculous sleep cure.

I have the cure for sleep, it’s very simple…get in bed, turn the lights off, close your eyes.  BAM!  You now owe me 500 dollars.  I know for some people it just isn’t that easy.  When I was about 9, I went through a very long period of insomnia.  My parents tried everything…after weeks and weeks, I finally picked up a book that my grandmother gave me.  Three pages into The Yearling and I was out like a light!  I highly recommend it.  If you find The Yearling to be a good novel, try something that you know will put you to sleep, like an anatomy textbook, or a physics text.  Better yet, geology- that put me to sleep in college.  In fact, it made it hard to wake up to get there too!

If that doesn’t work either, Nyquil is an excellent friend.  Take a little swig (or appropriately measure out of the bottle to avoid overdose: disclaimer) and wait for the rich cherry goodness to take hold.  I sleep GOOD on Nyquil.  I don’t take it very often because I wake up groggy and my children and I don’t seem to get along when I am groggy.  If I am sick, Nyquil and I are besties!  When my husband is sick, he takes Nyquil and a swig of his cough syrup with codeine.  I have to check to make sure he is breathing in the middle of the night, although the snoring is usually an indicator that he is (and I want to smother him with a pillow).

I have been having trouble staying asleep lately.  Last night Alan Alda and I were at an award’s dinner in San Diego with my kids, one of their friends and my ex-boyfriend.  Alan was upset that he didn’t get an award after all his years of service in the military.  Those are the kind of dreams I have that make me wake up and go WTF?  BUT at the end of my dream, my ex-boyfriend turned into William Levy and I didn’t care that he was cheating on his wife!

I would love to have dreamless sleep.  I really would.  My dreams are vivid, bizarre and they leave me very restless.  I talk in my sleep often and that keeps my husband up too sometimes.  His favorite thing that I have ever said in my sleep is ‘cheese fries’.  I don’t know why I was talking about cheese fries, but I suppose it’s better than trying to pull him out of bed to go catch the canoe.  I’ve done that too.

My sister has some really good stories of me talking in my sleep and she has my permission to post them…

 

I Pledge…

I pledge to:

1. never wear shorts so short that my pockets are longer than the shorts
2. always tell my kids that I love them (even when it gets hard to do so)
3. continue to spread the word that gays and lesbians deserve the same rights as heteros and that thinking otherwise makes you a bigot
4. always have my toes painted- always!
5. finish that book I have been writing
6. expose my children to fairness and integrity
7. maintain my sarcasm and wit at all times (it makes me who I am!)
8. continue on in my quest to have my husband play catch with Joe Montana (he hit on my mother in law in Whole Foods- had I known I would have made her ask!)
9. hopefully never have a dog (although I had a temporary lapse the other day and almost took one home)
10. keep it hot and spicy (you know what I mean?)
11. cook Thanksgiving dinner just once (twice if it turns out edible)
12. have my children grow up to be kind, loving, fair human beings
13. try not to kill my husband when his farts smell so bad I can taste them
14. stay healthy so my kids have a mom for a long time
15. try to curb my temper when I have PMS
16. get away with friends more often (talking to you Gretchen!)
17. possibly go back to school to get my master’s degree (maybe, I’m not sold on this one- I hate going to school)
18. meet George Clooney- I live close to LA, it could happen! (my girlfriend met him at a restaurant and made him take a picture with her- apparently he wasn’t too happy about it)
19. get Laser eye surgery (I wonder what looking at the clock and being able to see it looks like)
20. be on Chelsea Lately…I really think I could hang!

What I Learned This Week…

1. In What A Crazy B**ch news…a flight attendant on an American Airlines flight got on the intercom and told all the passengers that the plane was going to crash, citing 9/11, terrorism and union issues.  Because I have heard that Al-Queda is responsible for labor talks between the airline unions.  She was restrained and sent to the hospital for evaluation (5150 anyone?)

2. In High and Tight news…the creator of Spanx is now on the Forbes billionaires list.  That’s right men, we will squeeze our collective asses into compression garments and be uncomfortable JUST to fit into our clothes better.  Good for her!  I bet the creator of the girdle is a little pissed.

3. In This Is Why Baby Benadryl Was Invented news…a family was thrown off a Jet-Blue flight because their two year old was having a tantrum.  The child would not sit down before take-off and the parents had to hold her down to get her buckled and keep her seated.  A spoonful in the airport and another spoonful when you get on the plane…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

4. The clothing company Madhouse (a British company) is under fire for it’s clothing labels which state the washing directions followed by “or give it to your woman, it’s her job.”  The company claims that the pants are from an outside company, and didn’t proof the labels.  They also think it is funny…as do I.  I’m almost 100% convinced that people can’t take a joke anymore.

5. In Auto-Correct Is Annoying news…a student sent a text to a friend that said “gunman at west hall today” instead of “gunna be at west hall today” and caused a lockdown at two schools.  The kid who sent the text accidentally sent it to the wrong number which happened to be of a student at the school!  The worst I have ever auto-corrected is Seriously turned into Gy.

6.In more Facebook Will Ruin Your Life news…A Washington man is being charged with bigamy after he suggested that his wives friend each other on Facebook, thus revealing wedding photos with each of them.  When are people going to learn?  Don’t post shit on the internet and you would be surprised at how much you can get away with!

7. In This Is My Biggest Fear news…after a town in Eastern Australia experienced some major flooding, all the spiders, hundreds of thousands of spiders, retreated to higher ground.  These hundreds of thousands of spiders are all creating webs which is blanketing the town.  They don’t believe that the spiders are poisonous to humans.   ACK!

8. In What The F*ck Is Up In Ohio? news…a woman in a domestic dispute with her husband bit off his lip.  Unhappy in her relationship, she punched her husband in the face and then jumped on him and said “If you don’t want me, I’m going to make sure no one wants you,”  Authorities found the lip sitting on the couch next to a cigarette.  The lip could not be reattached.  Mission accomplished!

9. I am a finalist again on The Good Greatsby…please head here and vote for me.  While you are there, read him!  He’s now a regular on the Huffington Post!  I’ve never won and my confidence is starting to take a hit.  Please vote for me and vote often!  I need a victory!

I Used To Be A Chick, Now I’m Just A Mom…

I had a rather harsh realization yesterday.  I dropped Eric off at preschool and then Ally and I headed to Vons to go to the Starbucks in the store (it was cold, I needed hot chocolate).

The Starbucks guy knows my order.  It is my regular grocery store, after all, but I still had to wait in line.  As we waited, I noticed there were a lot of college age kids in the store and what looked like a coach.  After reading a few shirts, I realized the local college tennis team must have been taking a pit stop before on their way to a tournament.

I got my hot chocolate and Ally and I walked back to the car so I could take her to Mommy and Me.  When I got outside the store, I noticed the tennis team van and a bunch of the team waiting outside around it.

Back in the day (AKA- pre-kids), that used to be my favorite.  I could walk past a group of guys and feel them stare at me.  It’s a total ego boost, and it’s nice to know that you aren’t a complete hag and people are taking notice.  This time- NOTHING.  Don’t get me wrong- I was decked out to the nines, forget that, the 10s!  My husbands big, baggy fleece sweatshirt, jeans and running shoes with my hair in a ponytail and cover up on my face, barely disguising the two volcanoes that have been erupting, and yet nothing!

Maybe it’s because the boys are probably so young that they never watched the real 90210, maybe it’s the fact that a woman with a child is far from appealing to a 20 year old, or maybe I’m no longer a chick.  I’m just a mom.

I can deal with accept my new social status.  I enjoy my new status, but I wouldn’t mind being a chick every now and again (you know- just for a confidence booster).

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might

This posting inspired by Mama Kat’s Writing Prompt I Wish…

I wish:

I did not have to pin my son down and shove medicine down his throat (already done this a.m.)

I was not covered in sticky pink medicine (on my white bathrobe)

I did not have PMDD (that’s premenstrual dysphoric disorder) that makes me ragingly angry (Prozac?  Check!)

That my thighs were three inches thinner and my love handles were not handles

That George Clooney would be my personal slave for at least a day (out of this entire list…I’ll take this one!)

That I had Jennifer Lopez’s eyebrows instead of my little caterpillars

That my mom was still here (Happy Birthday Mom)

That I would be Freshly Pressed again (I can’t help it- I’m a comment junkie)

That 8 hours of sleep was attainable (damn you Friends reruns!)

That I could sing like Lea Michele on Glee! (so my kids ask me to stop singing…big deal)

That I had a book deal (wouldn’t you want to read a book about an evil little girl who is out to ruin her parent’s lives?)

That I didn’t have a sick little girl (bronchitis round 2 coming up)

That I was on Chelsea Lately

That I could find the perfect pillow (all of mine are too thin or too thick, I need one that’s just right)

That there was no NFL!  Or College football!  Or NBA!  (or Cops, Cheaters, Jersey Shore, etc…)

And honestly, while all of the above would be fun, if I had a wish, it would be that my life is exactly the same (minus the PMDD and the love handles)

The Anti-Bucket List

This posting is in response to Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt…Create a reverse bucket list that names the top ten things you never want to do.  Well, I didn’t exactly follow the rules.  It’s a reverse, reverse bucket list.  And it’s a reverse reverse bucket list of ridiculousness, but hey it’s my list!

1. I never, ever, never, ever, NEVER, EVER want to be stuck alone in a room with Bradley Cooper, George Clooney, or Ryan Reynolds.  Ever.  Yuck.  Disgusting.  If I was stuck in a room alone with any of them, I would become an adulterer and nobody loves an adulterer.  Plus, their respective significant others would hate me.  I don’t like being hated. (and yes, while I might not be Hollywood, I would find a way to make those men MINE- screw you Stacey Keibler!)

2. I never want to lose 15 pounds.  Yuck, who wants tight abs, thin thighs and a nice high ass?  Those things are absurd!  Who would ever want to look good in a bikini?  No thank you.  I would like to remain in a tankini or one piece and have mismatched tan lines for the rest of my life.  And shorts?  That’s why capri pants were made.

3.  I never ever want to live on a tropical island like Hawaii.  All that fresh air, sunshine, and warmth and tropicalness. Yuck.  I would much rather live in a temperate climate that causes the temperature to fluctuate by 20-30 degrees in one week.  I want dry air, wind and the occasional and dry plants.  No palm trees and white sandy beaches for me!

4. I never want to be on David Letterman.  How horrible would it be to be that famous that you are on a widely popular late night talk show where the host fawns over you and makes fun at your expense.  Blegh!    I would hate to sit there and be admired for my fame and fortune.

5. I never ever want to drive the Audi S5.  What a terribly unfortunate looking luxury car.  I would much rather drive something Japanese or (gasp) American that is a nice family vehicle with no pomp and circumstance.  If it doesn’t go from 0-60 in 5 minutes, I don’t want to drive it.

6. I never want to be burdened by wealth.  I would much rather cut coupons, bargain shop and buy off the rack.  Who needs the luxury of delicate linens and luxurious cottons and famous labels?  I would much rather buy my ill fitting Old Navy tank top than one by Prada.  Who needs brushed Egyptian cotton delicately caressing their skin?  NOT ME!

7. I never want to live in more than 2,000 square feet.  Who needs all that room when you can be on top of each other all the time?  Who wants alone time, or enough bathrooms that your children would need to do a search for you and you would be done with your business before the audience shows up to watch?  If you can’t poop in front of the ones you love, why even bother?

8. I would never want a nanny.  Not ever.  I want to spend all day every day for 18 years with my children.  I never want to leave their sight.  I want to be that helicopter mom whose children are completely smothered with love.  I would never want someone to take my children off my hands for a few hours so I could have some peace and quiet and possibly run an errand without the threat of “no chocolate milk.”  Really, it seems like an extravagance that I don’t need any part in.

9. I never want beach front property.  Why on earth would I want the relaxing sounds of the waves when I have the relaxing sounds of cars driving by?  Why would I want to have sand between my toes, when I can wear shoes all the time?  All that fresh ocean air would be just terrible for my lungs.  I would much rather have smog.

10. I never want to have jewels.  Sure I have some jewelry, but Neil Lane, Harry Winston?  Who needs those guys?  I don’t need to be dripping in emeralds and sapphires and diamonds.  I don’t want to have a bodyguard following me around because I am wearing millions of dollars of borrowed jewels.  Who needs that?  I would much rather have my semi precious jewels and silver plated fake jewels that turn my fingers green.

11. And a bonus- I would never EVER want to be blessed with a fast metabolism.  Why on earth would I want to burn calories quickly and efficiently?  I would much rather my food sit in my gut and take it’s time exiting.  I wouldn’t want to put the laxative companies out of business.  I also wouldn’t want to eat more than my fair share of food.  That wouldn’t be fair.

Gisele+ Undies =Billionaire

Turns out, Gisele Bundchen, freak of nature supermodel, is going to be the first billionaire model.  She launched a lingerie line in her native Brazil that is taking off, and once she releases it worldwide, she will be a billionaire.

Before I consider purchasing her lingerie line, I need answers to the following questions:

1. Does her lingerie line come with the self-loathing and hatred that we all experience when we see a picture of her?

2. Will wearing her lingerie make me A. 5’10, B. 115 pounds, C. rich like her?  Because if not, I’m not sure I want to wear it.

3. Will my self-esteem sky rocket to Gisele levels once I purchase the lingerie?  She seems to have an elevated sense of self, I just want to make sure I am getting my money’s worth.

4. Does her lingerie come in anything besides an extra small or a small?  If so, is it flattering or like stuffing playdough through that little machine that makes it come out looking like pasta?

5. Does Tom Brady come with the lingerie?  If so, can I cut his hair to pre-Justin Bieber style to make him the handsome man that he actually is?  He needs some un-prettyfying.

6. Do her son and step-son come with the lingerie?  If so, that might be a deal breaker, causing me to wear Elle McPherson’s line instead.

7. Does the purchase of the lingerie include at least 2,000 square feet of her home to be immediately transferred to mine?

8. After purchasing her lingerie, will I become Zoolander and only have one look (come on- she only has one…back arched, eyebrow raised)

9. Will I talk in a Brazilian accent after purchasing her lingerie?  Because that would be pretty cool.

10. Does a purchase come with a twin sister who is no where near as pretty or as thin and probably hates my guts because she is the twin sister of Gisele?

11.  and a bonus #11- does the purchase of lingerie ensure that Tom Brady’s Baby Mama, Bridget Moynahan, will hate me like she hates Gisele?

Once Gisele personally answers these questions, I may consider a Gisele Lingerie purchase.  However, I anticipate that it will take quite some time for her to come down off of her high horse to answer these questions (oh who am I kidding, for her assistant’s assistant’s assistant to answer).

My New Husband

If I HAD to marry a celebrity I would.  I am allowed to sleep with George Clooney if presented with the opportunity, so why not be allowed to marry- since it’s my fantasy!

I had a hard time narrowing it down, but if I HAD to marry a celebrity, I would pick from the following front runners:

1. The one who could make me laugh (and isn’t too hard on the eyes)

a notorious prankster and a tad easy on the eyes. Who doesn't love a man who is HOT and has a great sense of humor.

2. If I needed help doing my laundry…

Washboard abs and smouldering good looks...Hell, even I would fold laundry with this man.

3. If I wanted someone just to stare at me all night and day…

With those eyes, I would let him stare at me all day

He could stare at me too, and repeat lines from the most romantic movie ever, The Notebook

4. If I wanted to stare at him all day…

I would make sure his shirt was removed (and possibly his pants) before staring

This is perfect...I could look at him all day too. Easily.

5. If I wanted an extremely attractive nice guy…

He has a toothpaste ad smile, a heart of gold, and is friends with really hot guys!

6. And if I wanted a guy from my all time favorite movie…

Love Actually...best movie ever! He learns Portuguese for a girl!

7. And if I am going to marry for money (and someone of a decent age and not an 80 year old magazine owner)…

Mark Cuban...not the hottest guy on the list, but rich, fun, and young.

Okay, so it’s not too hard to pick just one.  I would take any, and possibly some on this list.  At this hour of the morning, it’s hard to think outside the box about who its hot.

This posting was inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt- If you HAD to marry a celebrity, who would make your list and why?

A Case of the Mondays

Never has a movie resonated with me more than Office Space.  I really want to take my computer out to a field with a baseball bat and beat the shit out of it.  Nothing would make me happier.  I am really jealous of The Good Greatsby for annihilating his printer in such a manner.

I went to bed at 9 last night because I am exhausted from working from the time I get up until the time I go to bed (which is usually 3 hours later than it should be) and dealing with the terrible two’s AND the terrible three’s. I woke up and am still tired.  I actually think I am slipping into a depression (or a funk) about this job.  I HATE IT.  I have never been so miserable and I am frustrated that my husband would rather have the little money I make than see me in a good mood.

Fios is being installed in my neighborhood currently, which means jackhammers, steam rollers, diggers, big trucks and LOTS of noise.  The kids love it, but hearing a jack hammer for several hours a day rattles a persons nerves.

I’ll stop complaining one of these days.