WWRLD #8

What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Episode 8- season finale

Jeah count- a bit much- 11

In the season finale, Ryan and his Lochterage go to Miami for spring break because he’s never had a spring break before.  What makes this episode awesome is that they brought back the dancing banana graphics.

They check into a lavish hotel bungalow and are greeted by the concierge who sounds like Minnie Mouse and blushes like a whore in church.  The Lochterage visits the pool at the hotel where Ryan gets mauled by horny drunk women.  He states “It’s a Lochte feeding frenzy and I’m the bait”.  How modest of you…

One thing to note…even though he’s partying and drinking like crazy- he still got up every morning and worked out!

One night of partying, he met up with his friend Jessica.  He says they have a lot in common…”salt and vinegar chips, and white gummy bears”.  Because those are the things that matter in relationships- junk food compatibility.

No significant Lochte-isms in this episode, but there are a few things to note…you know those stupid grills that he tried to wear at the Olympics until officials told him they would not award him his medals with those in his mouth…he lost them.  Diamond grills- lost.

At the wrap party, which was filmed, he’s out at a party in Gainesville, Florida.  Hot humid Florida…wearing a scarf.  Men should only wear scarves in cold climates and ONLY when it’s cold.  It was more like a paschmina…

Wrap up:

I seriously hope that this series comes back again.  He is the most adorable idiot.  The editing on this show makes him look even stupider (hopefully) than he actually is.  He’s a work horse and looks like he’d be fun to hang out with.  I give this show two thumbs up.  If you need a laugh, or just want to feel smart…watch What Would Ryan Lochte DO?..you won’t regret it.  You may lose a few IQ points, but it’s worth it!

 

 

Ally-Queda is FOUR!

You’re turning 4, I just can’t believe, what a little girl you’re turning out to be.

You’re sassy, you’re mean, you’re loving, you’re sweet, watching you smile is such a treat.

I don’t dare cross you, for you have quite a temper, but your belly laughs are all I’ll remember.

You get so proud when you draw so well, running up to me, you can’t wait to tell.

From left- Ally, Eric, her friend’s dog- Holly, me, Jeff, Scooter (up top), and those things on the bottom…those are diamonds!

You love jewelry, elephants and Star Wars, you little girl, have touched me to the core.

You’re pretty difficult most of the time, but I keep you on your toes, and you keep me on mine.

You’re smart and devious, devilish and charming, but seriously- your attitude is quite alarming!

The temper you have is just one little part, but to me and everyone else- you’ve stolen our heart.

You have many years ahead, and I can’t wait for more.  Happy Birthday little lady- Enjoy being 4!

WWRLD #7

What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Episode 7

Jeah count- lowest total yet- 5

Ryan and his family go roller skating in the episode.  He has a hard time roller skating and he and his family become a “construction derby, I mean a destruction derby” (what he meant to say was demolition derby).

He also decides to go on a date with another Olympian (she’s a track star).  She meets him at his house where his sister drills her with question after question.  Their date doesn’t end up working, they both thought it was weird.

He can’t float.  At all.  Strange for an Olympic swimmer.

At one point, in an interview, Ryan says “I’m an athalet…tic person“.  That’s right- he couldn’t correctly pronounce athletic.

More Lochte-isms:

“In my next life, I want to be a bird so I can fly around.”

“I want to know what goes on in my dog’s head.  He doesn’t think much.  He’s like my son.”

 

WWRLD #6

What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Episode 6

Jeah count-reasonable- 8

3rd person references- excessive

Not much exciting happened in this episode.  He bet a friend a 1000 bucks that he couldn’t eat 50 chicken wings in 30 minutes.  His friend met the challenge.

His dog peed on the bed.

Ryan Lochte and I have the same microwave.

The biggest thing that happened is he and his British girlfriend break up.  Not very exciting.  He was very “reliefed” when they broke up.

Lochte-isms:

(During a paintball game where he lives in Florida) “I’m the best shooter in the west, I mean east.  I mean wherever.”

“I have fun watching my family skirm (squirm).”

WWRLD #5

What Would Ryan Lochte Do?  Episode 5

Jeah count- overly excessive- 17

3rd person references- borderline insanity

I didn’t think this show could make me much happier, but it never fails to entertain.  This week’s episode starts out watching Ryan and the Lochterage playing beach volleyball.  I know he’s a swimmer, but HELLO…he’s an Olympic athlete.  He should be able to play better than that.  My kids can play volleyball better than he can.

He travels to LA this week and has a hot dog named after him from Pink’s Hot Dogs (famous hot dog joint out here).  The Lochte dog is two hot dogs on one bun, topped with mustard, chili, french fries and nacho cheese.  It is served with a side of Olympic Onion Rings (like the 5 Olympic rings).  The hot dog looks disgusting but was the gateway to penis references for the rest of the episode.

Points of interest…he carried his own (designer) luggage.  He met Carmen Electra and was speechless, which made him appear even stupider than when he speaks.

He also has a meeting with Speedo, but they kicked the cameras out because it was a “confident (confidential) meeting”

Want more Lochte-isms?

“If I could have any super power it would be flying because I love to travel and if I could flew all over the world that would be cool.”

“Donkey Kong is my favorite video game because he throws bananas like it’s his day job.”

15 Reasons…

…Why I’m awesome. (This prompt is from Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop- not just me and my delusions of grandeur)

1. I can retain water like a sub-Saharan camel. For 7 days out of the month, I am who you want to be stuck in the desert with. Just slice me open and drink from the springs.

2. I can burp louder and longer than most men, and am not ashamed to do so. Acid reflux disease does come in handy on occasion!

3. I can bake. Really well. Really really well.

4. I can pick things up with my toes. I can also pinch with my toes. I’ve never tried writing, but I’m pretty sure I’d be okay if I lost my hands.

5. I can rock hormone induced, teenage-like acne like it’s nobody’s business.

6. I have had basal cell skin cancer removed from my face (and am now scarred) and need to stay out of the sun, yet I have the type of skin that allows me to tan in 4.2 seconds, thus creating beautiful tan lines when I walk across a parking lot.

7. I have a cat, The Amazing Scooter, who has correctly predicted the last three Super Bowl winners.

8. I have a cat, The Unamazing Scooter, who has incorrectly picked the last 17 winning lotto numbers.

9. My laundry fornicates… What does yours do?

10. I have a daughter who tells me she loves me and hates me in the same breath. She will also hit and hug me at the same time.

11. I consider my knack for sarcasm a significant gift. I’m also discovering what a gift it is when a 4 and 5 year old use sarcasm too.

12. I make sloppy T-shirts and yoga pants trendy…among those equally as lazy as me.

13. I can nap almost anywhere (except an airplane). Recline me slightly and put my feet up and I will zonk out quickly and soundly.

14. I can’t float… Which is surprising considering how much extra fat I store in my badonkadonk.

15. I can justify just about any purchase. Leather jacket, shoes, homes…just ask. I’ll make it sound completely reasonable.

En Fuego

If y’all have been watching the news, you have seen my town on fire. Yup! We have a grade on the freeway here that goes from Newbury park to Camarillo (the land of strawberries). At least three times a summer, it sets on fire, and it’s usually a tiny brush fire. The hills go straight up on either side of the grade and the flames are usually put out pretty quickly.

But not yesterday. My husband was at work, preparing to get off and come home, but instead called me early and told me there was a brush fire on the Camarillo grade and he might be home later. Might. In a matter of about 2 hours, the fire went from a tiny fire to a massive brush fire. Currently it’s about 8,000 acres and is burning straight to the ocean, if it hasn’t gotten there yet. I’d imagine by the time this posts, it will be closer to 10 or 12,000 acres.

Don’t worry… I am perfectly safe. It’s on the other side of town, about 15 miles away. We have not been in any danger, although I was worried about my in-laws and some friends for awhile.

So when you watch the news and see the yellow and blue helicopters… That’s where I live! All the houses that have been on the news are huge McMansions. My house looks nothing like those! The neighborhood that was burning is the ritzy area. (Or incredibly overpriced track homes in a valley of wind- however you want to look at it).

The joys of living in California! We’re one step closer to falling off into the ocean! With the right catastrophic event, I could have beach front property!

WWRLD Part 2

It’s that time of the week!  The What Would Ryan Lochte Do? recap…

I have to say- this is my new favorite show.  While I find him to be of sub-par intelligence, he is absolutely fascinating.

In this episode, Ryan and his assistant go drunk golfing (golfing terribly while drinking), and then he and his mom go to DC so he can accept an award from the Muscular Dystrophy Association.  This part is actually kind of touching.  He lost a family member to MD so he actively supports awareness and fundraising.  He also said that Abe Lincoln is his favorite president because he can rock a top hat. 

The most absolutely, spectacular, splenderific portion of this week’s episode was when he was speaking to the camera for one of the “confessional” moments.  He started to say something and then completely blanked out.  The producer asked him what happens during the blank out moments.  Ryan stated that he gets weird things in his head, like a jumping banana, and that all of a sudden he says- why is there a jumping banana in my head?  For the rest of the show, when he did his confessional interviews, they ran a banana wearing sunglasses across the screen whenever he blanked out.  The banana was there quite a bit!

At one point, I did feel sorry for the guy.  Some DC girls were talking to him and just railroading him about politics.  He had nothing for them other than to say “um….I’m a swimmer, other than my charity, I don’t really follow politics.”  He was WAY out of his league with these girls, although they also came across very pious and holier than thou.

At the end of the episode, after teaching his mom how to say JEAH (way too many times), he bought the woman a car.  A tender, made for TV moment.

Sure, his brain is a little chlorine overloaded, but the kid is entertaining.  Or should I say creative editing makes him hilarious.  I still haven’t decided if I’m laughing with him or at him, although I believe it is most likely the latter of the two.

Jeah count...20 times.  That’s an average of 1 a minute.  WAAAYYY too many!

JEAH!

My New Eyes!

Warning: some pictures might gross out you squeamish folks!

Anyone who has been following me on Facebook, or anyone who knows me, knows I just got LASIK!!!

I now have 20/20 vision and NO more glasses or contacts!

So here’s how it started…
On Sunday, I caught a ride with a friend down to Orange County where I had the procedure done. My sister is a friend of the ophthalmologist and I trust him to slice my eyeballs open.

I stayed at my dad’s girlfriends house because she has a spare bedroom. My dad doesn’t and my sister has two loud kids so I opted for a nice quiet retirement community apartment. Liz cooked me some GOOD food (I’m going to make my dad keep her forever just so she’ll feed me often), and then I settled in for a bad night of sleep. I didn’t expect to sleep well with the anxiety. I should have taken one of my Xanax that they gave me, but I was nervous about taking something at night when no one could here me die.

Monday morning was eye slicing day. They told me to take a Xanax an hour before going, so at 10:30, I popped a pill and waited to get loopy. (I have taken it once before…I flew shortly after 9/11 and remember thinking we were going to crash, but I didn’t care!). My dad drove me to Irvine to the eye center. His driving scared me, so I knew that I wasn’t quite ready. They had me take a second pill about 20 minutes before I went back. They asked me if I was ready. I said “I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. I just don’t know.” They took my ambivalence to mean I was ready. My dad could watch through these big windows…kind of like when you watch your car get washed. I lay down on this table and they scoot me back to the machine.

The part that freaked me out the most is that they put a suction cup on your eye and create a flap. I was a little nervous so they gave me stress balls to hold (huh huh…she said balls). I casually held them while they taped one eye shut and one eye open. They inserted a speculum type thingie into my eye, which is numbed up sufficiently.

They press the suction cup thingie onto your eye and it creates the flap. There is an assistant that counts down (and he was adorable). It takes 30 seconds to do the flap. They remove the machine, irrigate the eye, and then get the laser ready. The laser takes 10 seconds, is really loud, and smells like something is burning. Even I can hold my breath for 10 seconds, so I was okay. They irrigate the eye again, replace the flap, drown you in drops, and BAM I could see! My actual words were “holy shit I can see!”

Then they did the left eye. This one hurt. A lot. But… Before you all freak out, it’s because they had the suction cup thingie on my eye and were pressing against my brow bone. My eye felt no pain at all. During that time, my grip on the stress balls changed significantly. Again, it was only 30 seconds, but my eyebrow was aching!

They did the laser, and wham…20/20 vision. In 40 seconds an eye. It took longer for the second Xanax to kick in than the whole surgery.

Am I rocking the cap, or what?

I got a bazillion boxes of eye drops, a cool pair of sunglasses, and an eye shield for sleeping. I was fine til I hit the outside and started squinting. Then I couldn’t open my eyes anymore. There’s a reason they tell you to take a nap afterwards! And nap I did. 4 hours worth! After that, my eyes were tired, but I could keep them open.

I have to wear these goggles when I sleep so I don’t rub my eyes. Very sexy.

I have a little bruising under my lids from the speculum and my shields are uber cool… But who cares, I have 20/20 vision! I can see the clock (and as it turns out- measure children’s Motrin in the soft light of the night light at 2 am- couldn’t do that before!).

I have to wear a headband when I exercise so I don’t get sweat in my eyes. I have to wear it for a month. Coincidentally- your head sweats more when you wear a headband.

For the next month, I have to use eye drops like crazy and keep water out of my eyes. Other than that, no real limitations. Isn’t science amazing? (And I wanna know who the sick, yet brilliant, F-er who thought to use a laser to slice eyeballs open!

My bruising

What up yo?

Rocking the headband (it’s actually Ally’s…her head is that big that we can share!) I am so Jane Fonda now!

Before the surgery…me and my daddy.

WWRLD?

What the heck does that mean?

What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

For you, and for my morbid curiosity, I am watching What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

Each week, I will sum up Sunday’s episode.  Normally it would be done sooner, but I didn’t get to watch it until Wednesday night.

So, to sum up…Ryan Lochte is an idiot.  Not like he does dumb things.  He no smart.  He might be the dumbest person I have ever seen.

His tagline of Jeah is really annoying.  He looks like he might be a fun guy to party with if you were 18-21, but then he pops Jeah out of his mouth every 13 seconds and you want to smack him.  One thing I will say- when he is talking about swimming- he is smart, speaks well and is a fierce competitor.  He trains hard and then trains harder than that.  He even says at one point- I can’t feel my arms.  He is an Olympic Gold Medal winner and he still pushes himself to the point of exhaustion.

His biggest pick up line is “Do you want to go to dinner?” and for some girls it works, and some girls call him on his BS.  I think I would have a hard time keeping a straight face.

In this episode, he goes on a date with a blonde, who might be just as dumb as him.  Hello???- she didn’t know what a wonton was!  She had also never eaten sushi.  As he is pouring his heart out to her, she looks at him and says- you have really pretty eyes.

Doing a reality show may not work in his favor.  They have it carefully edited to make him look like a complete dipshit.  Turns out he takes all first dates out to the same exact sushi restaurant, which his sisters call him out on.  more specifically, they look at him and ask him if he is an idiot.  10 seconds into the show and you know the answer to that question.

To wrap up this week’s episode, I leave you with this thought…Ryan Lochte may swim fast, but no gold medal can make up for the chlorine soaked brain.  With that said- he seems to have a good time and throws a damn good party!  I would go to one of his (but I would also be the girl busting his balls right and left).

(and P.S. he lost a bet to his brother and had to detail his brother’s car with his own toothbrush.  He paid up, but WHO washes a car IN a garage???)