I wish:

I did not have to pin my son down and shove medicine down his throat (already done this a.m.)

I was not covered in sticky pink medicine (on my white bathrobe)

I did not have PMDD (that’s premenstrual dysphoric disorder) that makes me ragingly angry (Prozac?  Check!)

That my thighs were three inches thinner and my love handles were not handles

That George Clooney would be my personal slave for at least a day (out of this entire list…I’ll take this one!)

That I had Jennifer Lopez’s eyebrows instead of my little caterpillars

That my mom was still here (Happy Birthday Mom)

That I would be Freshly Pressed again (I can’t help it- I’m a comment junkie)

That 8 hours of sleep was attainable (damn you Friends reruns!)

That I could sing like Lea Michele on Glee! (so my kids ask me to stop singing…big deal)

That I had a book deal (wouldn’t you want to read a book about an evil little girl who is out to ruin her parent’s lives?)

That I didn’t have a sick little girl (bronchitis round 2 coming up)

That I was on Chelsea Lately

That I could find the perfect pillow (all of mine are too thin or too thick, I need one that’s just right)

That there was no NFL!  Or College football!  Or NBA!  (or Cops, Cheaters, Jersey Shore, etc…)

And honestly, while all of the above would be fun, if I had a wish, it would be that my life is exactly the same (minus the PMDD and the love handles)

Birth control pills.

When I was 16, I started taking birth control pills.  I hadn’t had sex yet.  I took them because my cramps were so bad, I ended up in the hospital.  Pills regulated my cycle, and later on in life, kept me from getting pregnant.  They did not and DO NOT cause abortions.  Per WebMD birth control pills prevent ovulation, changes the cervical mucus (ew she said mucus) and makes the uterus inhospitable for implantation.  None of those equate with an abortion.

The new birth control bill that has been proposed threatens the very freedoms that we Americans stand for.  It suggests that employers who do not believe in contraception do not have to allow for it in their insurance plans.  It also is the gateway drug for new kinds of discrimination.  The corporation can deny maternity coverage to a same-sex or interracial couple if they don’t believe in that.  Blood transfusions could be denied because an employer might not believe in it.  This law is allowing men and women who are not doctors to decide what you are entitled to based on THEIR beliefs.

When I worked as a teacher in the Simi Valley Unified School District here in California, I had to pay 40 bucks a month for birth control pills because the board didn’t agree with it.  The “Board” was a bunch of crotchedy old men who don’t need to worry about getting pregnant.  I was able to afford the 40 bucks, but without it, there would have most definitely been an unplanned pregnancy.  If we are going by public perception, an unwed mother looks a lot worse than a “pill popper” to me.

This bill is not just dangerous to women and teenage girls, it is dangerous to all human beings.  Currently my good friend’s two year old is in the hospital and may need a blood transfusion because he is dangerously anemic.  If her husband worked for an organization run by a Jehovah’s Witness, they would be denied the life saving blood transfusion because it is against the belief system of a JW.  Explain the fairness in that.  Why is a NON-doctor allowed to make decisions in my healthcare.  What if I was a drinker who had changed my ways, but still had health issues as a result?  Would that mean my employer could deny me transplant coverage because I used to be an alcoholic and he didn’t deem me worthy?

Don’t play God with my life.  I have a God and he is the only one allowed to make these decisions.  If it’s my time to go, it’s my time.  I do not want more children.  My husband had a vasectomy because birth control pills make me crazy.  If he was not allowed that vasectomy and I got pregnant (because those things do happen), you would have a family struggling to make ends meet, assuming that the crazy mother didn’t divorce the crazy father.

If I had gotten pregnant as a teenager, would I have had an abortion?  Chances are pretty high.  I’m glad I didn’t have to make that choice, but I have friends that did.  I have thought about what would happen if I got pregnant now by accident.  Would I have an abortion?  I would seriously consider it.  Why?  Because it’s my right as a woman to not have a child if I don’t want to.  I do believe that abortions should not be done past a certain time and shouldn’t be used as birth control, but I do believe that it’s every woman’s right to choose if they want to have a baby.  Not a mans, not an employers.  It’s bad enough that Teen Mom is a phenomenon on MTV…do we really want to see pregnant teens on every corner?  Once my daughter becomes a teenager and I have the slightest inkling that she may be having sex, I will gladly put her on the pill.  Why?  Because she can.

If you don’t believe in birth control, abortion or sterilization- don’t do it.  But don’t make it so I can’t.  The fact that this is an issue is scary.  I am a slightly religious person- I go to church on Sundays and pray, but religion has NO place in politics.  The fact that Rick Santorum wants to ban prenatal testing because it discovers birth defects and then doctors give patients the chance to terminate- simply because it goes against his religious beliefs BLOWS MY MIND.  Why does he get to decide the fate and future of people?

I could go on for hours and hours, but I will stop with this- I am not God.  I don’t pretend to be.  Last I heard, the only time you see God is when you meet your maker.  If he doesn’t like what you are up to, you’ll meet another more firey maker.  Until then no one else is God (except for Ryan Reynolds!).  If you want an abortion- have one.  Don’t want to get pregnant- pop a pill.  Need a blood transfusion- tap a vein.  Want to be gay- be loud and proud.  Gay Marriage- sign me up- I’ll officiate.  Inter-racial marriage- all for it- they make the cutest babies.  Woman president- I would have voted for Hillary (not Sarah or Michelle however).

Stop muddling with the freedoms of women and people in general.  This isn’t the middle east- ain’t no man gonna bitch slap me!  I am WOMAN- Hear me ROAR! Oh and did I mention that Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri (you can contact him here) attached the birth control rider to a massive transportation bill?  If that isn’t politicking at it’s finest…

(steps off soapbox to thunderous applause, keys to the mansion on the beach, and 24 uninterrupted hours with George Clooney, Ryan Reynolds and Bradley Cooper- because if I want to commit adultery- I CAN!)

1. When shopping for kids clothes, pay decent money for the nice stuff (within reason) and for play clothes, be as cheap as you can be.    Most of my kids play clothes are from Kohl’s where everything is about 4 cents and reeks of the sweat of a Tiawanese sweat shop.  I don’t feel the need for my kids to be fancy when they play in the dirt outside.  Most of Eric’s clothes are from Kohl’s because he grows so damn fast I refuse to spend too much money.  Ally’s play clothes are from there too.  But my biggest deal comes in the way of holidays.  You know how stores sell holiday shirts for 5 dollars?  They sell them for about 1.50 after that holiday.  Assuming you can find your size, you can get pretty cheap shirts and nobody cares if you are wearing a thanksgiving shirt in June, especially when it’s covered in mud.

2. Store brand food.  Store brand food is often so much cheaper than the name brand.  I buy a lot of store brand, especially in staples.  I don’t need name brand spices.  Store brand will do.  I like to buy as much organic food as I can too, so I buy the store brand organic version.  Some things need to be name brand (pasta, cereal) in my opinion, but a lot of things can be purchased as a store brand.

3. Don’t shop at Target.  I know- crazy right?  I mean for groceries.  Groceries really aren’t much cheaper at Target.  You would have better luck buying at the grocery store when things are on sale or when you have a coupon.  There are a few things cheaper at Target, but not enough to be worth the trip to the store.  And if you don’t buy groceries there, you are less likely to buy other things there, like clothes, shoes, unnecessary supplies, etc.

4. Cars- buy Japanese, not German! If you have kids- listen up.  We all want luxury cars.  Hell, I am itching to get myself into an Audi, but I am realistic.  Buying a luxury car when you have children is the WORST thing you can do.  Unless you will NEVER let your children drink or eat in the car (yeah right) you are destroying any resale value that it might have.  I have a friend who is a Mercedes girl.  Within one week of buying her Mercedes SUV, her daughter spilled an entire cup of milk on the floor.  It smells like shit.  You are much better off buying something cheaper, like a nice Japanese car, or even something American made.  Something that costs half as much and you won’t care if it gets trashed.  If you bide your time now with your Pilot, you can get that Mercedes later in life when you can enjoy it and not freak out if the kids get their muddy shoes on the seats.

5. Leggo that Eggo…they are quick, they are easy, they are TERRIBLE for you!  Eggo makes the best pancakes, french toast, etc for kids.  They also contain ingredients that are not good for you ( read: unpronounceable).  I buy the heart healthy Bisquik at about 4 dollars a box and make my own chocolate chip pancakes.  I can get about 6-8 dozen decent sized pancakes out of one box.  I spend about 30 minutes one day a week making pancakes on my griddle (double the recipe and add mini chocolate chips, no butter when grilling) and then I place wax paper between each one and freeze them.  When it’s time for breakfast, I pop them in the toaster oven.  Voila!  They are yummy and delicious and I get to lick the bowl.  I am also cutting down on packaging and saving myself lots of money per month since Eggo comes with 12 to a pack.  I figure each pancake I make costs a couple of pennies.  You can make waffles or toaster sticks too and freeze them.

6.  Kids parties…goody bags.  Biggest waste of money. EVER.  I hate the goody bags.  They are usually filled with crap that kids don’t use and just gets thrown in the trash.  I don’t like to be wasteful and fill our landfills with things that don’t biodegrade or are unnecessary to even purchase, or spend money on crap.  When my kids have a party, the goody bag is something they will actually use.  One year the kids got a bucket of chalk that I found in the dollar bin at Target.  Another year, they got coloring books and crayons.  most recently at Eric’s birthday, the kids got educational magnets that you can stick on your fridge and fruit snacks and a bendy straw.  Think ahead-  would your kids use what’s in the goody bag?  If not, don’t just fill the bag to fill the bag.  Make cookies and send the kids away with a treat.  Don’t send them away with a plastic ring and a bouncy ball that will get lost in ten seconds.

7. Diapers- there is no need to buy Pampers.  Having two children with equally explosive bowels and large bladders, I can safely tell you that Costco diapers do the trick.  Pampers, and even Huggies don’t hold as much pee and definitely not the poop.  Pampers are the worst.  I had to change my kids more often when they wore pampers.  The only place I say buy name brand is in nighttime diapers…buy Huggies.  They are the best.

8. Formula- if you really want to save money- nurse your kid, but if like me, that was not a year long solution for you, formula is the next best thing.  After I finished nursing my kids, I used formula.  Because they both had allergies, I had to use the CRAZY expensive name brand (but I was fortunate they had it at Costco), but when your kid can use any formula, store brand works great.  I asked my pediatrician and he said that baby formula is all highly regulated so one is not better than the other.  I personally am against Nestle because they used to specifically market formula to African families whose kids started dying because they were watering down the formula to save it or using dirty water. (just something to keep in mind).

9. Fast food is not cheaper than a home cooked meal!!!  A happy meal costs what- 3 dollars? (I wouldn’t know because I refuse to let my kids eat it).  I have a bag of frozen chicken in my freezer that cost 10 bucks and contains at least 12 chicken breasts.  A bag of rice costs a couple of bucks, and frozen vegetables also cost a couple bucks (and can be found even cheaper than that sometimes).  You can make a healthy meal that is less than or equal to the price of sodium filled pink slime a happy meal.

10.  If you are REALLY hurting for money- get rid of your iPhone.  If I need to explain that one more, go ahead and let me know and I will.  But seriously- if you’re hurting- you don’t need an iPhone.

With a complete sincerity he asks me…mommy what are these things inside me?

My response wasinsane maniacal clown laughter.  After I wiped the tears from my eyes, I explained that they were his testicles and that he needed to be careful or he was going to hurt himself.  Then I giggled some more.

2. In Wal-Mart news…a 6’4 300 lb naked man was stopped by a stun gun while stealing socks from a Wal-Mart in New Jersey.  He was trying to get to the underwear, pants and shirts aisle before he was stopped.

3. In more Naked Criminal news…an 18 year old was arrested for drunk driving and evading police after leading them in a car chase.  Oh, and more importantly, she was only wearing cowboy boots.  Why are criminals only naked except for footwear?

4. In What The F*ck Is Up In Ohio news…an Ohio State Trooper was arrested for driving 102 mph while drunk.  And she’s a woman!

5. In Son Of The Year news…a 98 year old woman’s son served his mom an eviction notice because he says “she belongs in a nursing home” yet hasn’t seen her in over 8 months.  His mother has been given a full exam and deemed completely competent.  Bet she’s wishing she did something else the night he was conceived.

6. DOH!  The Simpsons will air it’s 500th episode today!  I encourage you to leave your favorite Simpson’s quotes in the comments section.  I will start- ” if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. “

7. A Swedish man was found in his car in a forest after being stranded there for two months.  He survived on eating snow and most likely going into a hibernating-like state.  No one knows why he was stuck in his car or in the forest.

8. A constipated man was playing with his phone while sitting on the toilet and came up with a tribute song titled…Playing With Your Phone While Sitting On The Toilet.  I have included it here for your viewing pleasure.  Please don’t stop reading me!

9. I’m getting close to 100,000 views- only about 6,000 more to go!

I don’t understand why she dresses like a hobo.  This picture is mild.  I can’t find the exact one I am looking for, but most of the time when she dresses she looks like a person who lives in a doorway than a person who has doors opened for her.  I guess it’s called fashion, but to me it’s called BAD fashion.  I would never pay thousands and thousands of dollars to walk out the door and have people confuse me for the white trash that visits Venice Beach daily.

1. I never, ever, never, ever, NEVER, EVER want to be stuck alone in a room with Bradley Cooper, George Clooney, or Ryan Reynolds.  Ever.  Yuck.  Disgusting.  If I was stuck in a room alone with any of them, I would become an adulterer and nobody loves an adulterer.  Plus, their respective significant others would hate me.  I don’t like being hated. (and yes, while I might not be Hollywood, I would find a way to make those men MINE- screw you Stacey Keibler!)

2. I never want to lose 15 pounds.  Yuck, who wants tight abs, thin thighs and a nice high ass?  Those things are absurd!  Who would ever want to look good in a bikini?  No thank you.  I would like to remain in a tankini or one piece and have mismatched tan lines for the rest of my life.  And shorts?  That’s why capri pants were made.

3.  I never ever want to live on a tropical island like Hawaii.  All that fresh air, sunshine, and warmth and tropicalness. Yuck.  I would much rather live in a temperate climate that causes the temperature to fluctuate by 20-30 degrees in one week.  I want dry air, wind and the occasional and dry plants.  No palm trees and white sandy beaches for me!

4. I never want to be on David Letterman.  How horrible would it be to be that famous that you are on a widely popular late night talk show where the host fawns over you and makes fun at your expense.  Blegh!    I would hate to sit there and be admired for my fame and fortune.

5. I never ever want to drive the Audi S5.  What a terribly unfortunate looking luxury car.  I would much rather drive something Japanese or (gasp) American that is a nice family vehicle with no pomp and circumstance.  If it doesn’t go from 0-60 in 5 minutes, I don’t want to drive it.

6. I never want to be burdened by wealth.  I would much rather cut coupons, bargain shop and buy off the rack.  Who needs the luxury of delicate linens and luxurious cottons and famous labels?  I would much rather buy my ill fitting Old Navy tank top than one by Prada.  Who needs brushed Egyptian cotton delicately caressing their skin?  NOT ME!

7. I never want to live in more than 2,000 square feet.  Who needs all that room when you can be on top of each other all the time?  Who wants alone time, or enough bathrooms that your children would need to do a search for you and you would be done with your business before the audience shows up to watch?  If you can’t poop in front of the ones you love, why even bother?

8. I would never want a nanny.  Not ever.  I want to spend all day every day for 18 years with my children.  I never want to leave their sight.  I want to be that helicopter mom whose children are completely smothered with love.  I would never want someone to take my children off my hands for a few hours so I could have some peace and quiet and possibly run an errand without the threat of “no chocolate milk.”  Really, it seems like an extravagance that I don’t need any part in.

9. I never want beach front property.  Why on earth would I want the relaxing sounds of the waves when I have the relaxing sounds of cars driving by?  Why would I want to have sand between my toes, when I can wear shoes all the time?  All that fresh ocean air would be just terrible for my lungs.  I would much rather have smog.

10. I never want to have jewels.  Sure I have some jewelry, but Neil Lane, Harry Winston?  Who needs those guys?  I don’t need to be dripping in emeralds and sapphires and diamonds.  I don’t want to have a bodyguard following me around because I am wearing millions of dollars of borrowed jewels.  Who needs that?  I would much rather have my semi precious jewels and silver plated fake jewels that turn my fingers green.

11. And a bonus- I would never EVER want to be blessed with a fast metabolism.  Why on earth would I want to burn calories quickly and efficiently?  I would much rather my food sit in my gut and take it’s time exiting.  I wouldn’t want to put the laxative companies out of business.  I also wouldn’t want to eat more than my fair share of food.  That wouldn’t be fair.

It’s called My Marriage Ruins Yours and it’s about “How two godless gays got hitched and then set about destroying Traditional Marriage.”  Catchy right?

With his marriage certificate in hand, he sets out to destroy “Breeder Marriage” with what he calls homoterrorism, Paul is hilarious!

I highly recommend you read this blog every chance you get!  It’s my newest read and one of my favorites!

As I told him in the comments section- I hope his marriage ruins mine!

Valentine’s Day. The day where married people stay in to avoid ridiculous waits and over-priced roses. The day where dating couples get into full on wars over disappointment and expectations. And the day where singles scramble for last minute dates and scheduling plans for a night out on the town.

The truth is, I love love. I love the absolute psychotic, wine-induced desperation displayed all over television. I love the fury, tornado storm of a woman trying to pick the perfect outfit to impress a special someone. I love the status changes, timeline posts, and play by play updates of pure happiness throughout a news feed. I love the idea of knowing just one person’s quirks, arguing over just one person’s bodily functions, and the idea of never having another awkward first family introduction again.

But since I haven’t found that one person, I absolutely love being the single gal.

Being single means not picking one side of the bed, I can have both. It’s the freedom to spend cash freely, turn off the phone for a day, and eat ice cream out of the container. I book last minute trips, don’t have to tell someone where I am going, or feel like I am neglecting someone if I want to stay longer. I can sleep in mismatched flannels, leave clothes in the dryer, and my toilet seat is always down. I can watch whatever I want whenever I want, can have slumber parties with my girlfriends, and choose whether or not I watch football with the boys. I stay up til midnight and sleep til noon, can spend the day basking in the sun or burrowed in a book, and am not required to feed, burp, clean, or entertain anything but myself.

Of course the drawback is when I come home to a pile of bills, dishes in the sink, and rotting food in the fridge, well, those are all mine too. And despite the whole Single Super Woman front that so many solo ladies display, I think we are all looking for someone to help ease the burden, share in the triumphs and tribulations, and maybe even steal the covers every once in awhile.

I’ve had Valentine’s Days of take out and stuffed animals, gifts and going out; and of course there was the year when I had two bouquets of flowers delivered to my new job, making quite a first impression. While tonight I’ve heard from a half dozen single men I know, this year, I’m spending the night with some ladies, soaking in all sorts of sappy love songs by Ms. Colbie Caillet. Because music makes my heart happy, and while it’s important to love others, it’s equally important to love you as well. ♥

Now I absolutely agree that musicians are 150% creative, artistic and (usually) talented.  I also agree that they are really freakin’ weird.  Did you know there is a DJ that dresses like a mouse?  A mouse head that lights up, no less.  It’s name is Skrillex

Then there is the Lady Gaga/Nicki Minaj battle.  I love Gaga.  I think she is bizarre and weird and stands for something great in America.  She represents the minority and stands up for the rights of those who don’t currently have any.  She is attempting to change teenage bullying.  She’s innovative and her music is really good.  She dresses REALLY strange.  But she sticks with it.  She has never once broken character.  Ever.  She has even stated that she can’t go out without her make-up and platforms because she wouldn’t want to upset her “monsters.”  She is devoted to her fans.

She’s committed.  She ALWAYS dresses like this.  Not just sometimes.

Then there is Nicki Minaj.  Nicki Minaj looks like she covered herself in glue and rolled around in whatever was closest to her.  She is weird just to be weird.  I think she is a Gaga wannabe and does so horribly.  I can’t stand Nicki Minaj.  If you are going to be weird, stick to it.  Stand for something.  Don’t just dress like a whack job to get attention. I have written about her before and I don’t like her.

It’s like she thought…I’ll bring the Pope because that will piss off people and then they will talk about me.

Overall, the Grammy’s was pretty good.  It’s a fun show and the Foo Fighters never fail to rock it.  The Whitney tribute was nice.  I have to say, I was not shocked or surprised at all when I heard she died.  I do feel like it put a little bit of a damper on the Grammy’s.  Understandably so, but it still did.