I Am Not 22- or So I’ve Been Told…

Last week, I subbed a lot of fitness classes…4 to be precise.  Saturday was the last class, and was full of some hard workin’ women!  The class is called Body Blast and it’s all sculpting, so I gave the ladies a kick ass workout and many of them thanked me afterwards (that’s always nice).  After class, my husband picked up the kids from the gym, and I went and got a coffee and then came back to the gym to shower all the sweat off before my massage (which was WONDERFUL).

As I was walking in, one of the ladies from the class was sitting in the waiting area.  This woman is hard core.  She has a walking cast on her foot, but is still going to the gym and working pretty hard!!!  I talked to her for a few moments, and she said she really liked my class.  I thanked her, and she said “no really, I really did, and it’s nice because you’re not 22.”

No, no I’m not.  I’m 33 1/2.  And clearly, I no longer look 22.  I feel 45 (two young kids will do that to you).  Now I’m curious…how old do I really look?  I don’t think I look 22, but how old does she assume I am??? Do I look my age?  Do I look younger than my age (but older than 22)?  Do I look gasp! older than my age?

It’s not bothering me that badly, but it makes me wonder…and I really don’t want to start wearing make-up!  Once I have to start wearing make-up daily, I know I am starting to age!

Ballsy Little SOB

He’s one ballsy sonofabitch! He’s back. And he’s closer to the garage door! Now he is in the direct path from the door to the washer. I looked away for one second to grab the nearest bottle of anything to spray him with, and he vanished. In a single bound, he hopped all the way to the washer.

That white bag in front of the washer…that’s my dirty clothes. It’s trying to touch my clothes!. If I didn’t like the sweater so much, I would trash it.

He brought it on himself…chemical warfare has commenced.

I sprayed him and he ran under my car. I brought a load of towels inside and came back out to switch loads and then…he brought a friend. There was a second cricket in front of the washer. I stomped my feet and he too hopped under my car. (so help me if I find a cricket in my car…)

And yes, it was two different crickets. The first one is black and the second is more brownish. Is this my version of the locusts? Are the end of days coming?

If I see the f-er again tomorrow- he’s getting death by squishing!

iElectronics Make Me Spell Funny

I have an iPhone and an iPad.  They have auto spelling on them, meaning that when I type, it assumes what the word will be and automatically spells it for me.

My regular computer does not do that.  When I have been on my iPad for too long and then return to my laptop, I don’t understand why my simpleton PC can’t do the same.  I use Firefox, so at least it tells me when I spell something wrong (which is rare- I am an excellent speller, but I make mistakes when I type), but I am so used to it correcting itself for me.

Did Steve Jobs anticipate raising a generation of lazy spellers?  Did he know that kids would then become horrible spellers because it spells for them?  I do feel a sense of entitlement when I get on my computer, thinking that it will spell for me.  Is this generation going to grow up with the same sense of entitlement that words should be spelled for them?

I can see it now, two 3rd graders are at the front of the class, embattled in a vicious spelling bee showdown.  The final word is Encyclopedia.  Student #1 spells it incorrectly and is waiting to see if Student #2 gets it, or if a second word will be necessary.  Student #2 begins spelling…e…n…c…y……Student #2 pauses.  Teacher prompts him  to finish.  He says to her “aren’t you going to finish it for me?  My iPhone does.  You should too.)”  Teacher has a nervous breakdown and quits teaching.

Pretty soon, college papers will only be half written…A Ta of Tw Cit (that’s a tale of two cities).  Kids will just stop trying to type the whole word and wait for iComputer to do it for them.  I envision a lot of frustration in college classes today.

(I’m tired)

The Cricket From Hell

This is him. He has tortured me for years (okay, I know crickets only live for three weeks, but it has to be from the same gene pool). Every time I go into my garage to do laundry, which is pretty often, he’s there, chirping at me. Taunting me, teasing me from the depths of the garage. Sometimes he stands guard in front of the washer, causing me to shriek like a little girl an epic showdown. Sometimes he lurks underneath the freezer, just waiting to spring and gobble me up.

Many of his relatives have been killed. My brave husband risks life and limb to smash the little SOB into pieces. I make him show me the dead carcass in the tissue before he is allowed back in the house.

Today, as I went to run a load, there he was. Sitting one foot to the left of my washing machine, waiting to attack. I was fortunate. I saw him before I nearly stepped on him. With panic and sweat, I loaded my washer with a load of darks and looked around for something to smash the creature.

I do not like bugs that crunch (or any bug really). I thought about using my laundry basket, but didn’t want to clean remnants off before going back inside. I settled on a Costco sized box of Oxy-clean. I pulled the full box off the shelf, and was all set to drop it on the beast. But…because I am a
chicken a selfless loving individual, I opted against hearing his body crunch killing the sad soul.

Damn the little bastard! and why am I such a chicken. If I hear him chirp tomorrow…I’ll make my husband kill him. I ain’t no murderer!

What I Learned This Week…

It’s Mother’s Day…I’m taking the day off!  Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms.  Mine is not starting out well…it’s really early!  My husband is at work.  I am cranky.

Have a great day!

Things That Irritate Me #16: There, Their, They’re

After spending the past two days grading papers of some of the worst caliber I have ever seen (and I teach special ed), these tiny little nuances bug the F*** out of me!

There- a location, i.e. Go over there and get me a drink!

Their- belonging to someone. i.e.  It is their coat.

They’re- they are. i.e they’re ready for us.

It’s very simple.  Very.  Not vary.  Very.

There are literally sentences that I cannot understand.  There have been multiple times where I have scratched my head and said WTF???

I understand that these people are essentially paying to get a degree, and good for them for going after it, but PLEASE…don’t ever write anything!

Thank goodness there are a small handful of students who can actually write and restore my faith in humanity.

Some samples…

Pursing My Degree- I don’t often purse my degree.  I hang it on the wall.  Oh wait, I mean pursuing my degree!

On paste- I guess that’s better than below paste…unless you mean OWN PACE

Professor Jenifer- what’s wrong with this you ask?  It’s Jennifer.  ALWAYS spell the professor’s name correctly!

Do we suppose to be writing a Expository paper or a Compare and contrast Essay? What two items to chose from to generate an topic? sigh, the directions specifically state compare/contrast.  I searched the assignments high and low and never once saw the word expository, not sure why there is confusion.

Getting a higher education has its advantages for career opportunities and personal achievements I
learn that many older adults find it inspiring to return to college I find it challenging and inspiring
also when look at how beneficial it is to earn a degree I want to earn a degree in behavior science I
like to be of help to people earning a degree in psychology will be helpful to me in the field
human resources I have learn to define myself by my achievements being a student at ****
university has did wonders for my self-esteem in reach my goal I want to accomplish something
that at one time in my life I thought was not possible for me, Returning to school has become
exciting my social net working has improve my technical skills and my computer skills I am
learning new things academically that I did not know my children are proud of me for returning to
school iam proud of myself although my journey has just begun I look forward to experience of
re- learning. yes I understand how completely unprofessional it is to put the exact run on paragraph sentence of a student into my blog, but none of you know where I work!  Now imagine reading 30 papers that are about this bad (although this is the worst).

My head hurts.

 

 

For The Life of Me too…

I saw this on Facebook yesterday, and after being inspired by Lisa, I had to post it.

Correct me if I am wrong, but an Archbishop is Catholic?  It’s nice to see a man of the cloth with this perspective.

I find it very hard to believe that God thinks that people should be vilified for something they have no control over.  When I was a substitute teacher, I watched a video in a class about how people became who they are.  Black people originally hail from Africa.  It’s hot in Africa.  They developed more pigment in their skin to protect them from the harsh sun.  They are taller, because it is easier to cool the longer limbs.  Asians don’t actually have slanted eyes.  They have a larger eye hood.  This was to protect the upper Mongolians from sand storms.  They also store a bit more body fat to protect them from the harsh winters.

Evolution over time has lead to changes in the human race.  Wee have medical advances that allow those to procreate who might not otherwise have the chance.  We have medicine which allows people to live longer.  We have scientists who create all of these innovations for the betterment of mankind.  Who do you you think made the scientist?  God.  If God created man, then God created medicine and science.  Science has concluded that being gay is genetically inherent and not a choice.  It is safe to say, that God had a hand in this.

Everyone needs to love and be loved.  It’s a basic human need.  Who cares what gender that love comes from.  I don’t.  If I was loved by a woman, all I would care about is that I was loved.  I happen to be loved by a man- but that doesn’t mean homosexual love is any different or worse.  Love is love.  Love is all you need.

I am proud of the President for taking a risky stand and stating that same sex marriage should be allowed.  It doesn’t hurt anyone.  The only people who are hurting as a result of a ban on gay marriage are gay people (a minority) and the children of the bigots who think that someone else doesn’t deserve the basic human rights as everyone else.

This is not a religious issue.  It’s a civil rights issue.

Diamond Jubilee

The big Diamond Jubilee is going on, celebrating the Queen’s 50 year reign.  There have been press tours and PR junkets…but I suspect this is what is really going on through all the royal’s heads…

Harry: If I go to one more Jubilee event where there is no booze…

William: Come on Grandma, one little slip and the throne is mine!  That crown would cover my thinning hair!

Kate:  Hmmm, which designer will I choose to rocket to stardom today?

Charles: Another event to remind me that I will never be King.

Camilla: smile and nod, smile and nod… I can’t wait to go home and get this saucer off of my head!

Beatrice: Do you think this fascinator is big enough to take the attention away from Kate and her designer duds?

Eugenie: Do you think this fascinator is big enough to take the attention away from Kate and Beatrice?

Prince Philip: I swear, every single time I put this uniform on it gets heavier.  I think the guards are adding medals to it!

Prince Andrew:  Does anyone even know who I am and why I am here?

Prince Edward: If I brush my hair this way, does it look fuller?

Princess Anne:  Okay, I have to kill six more people and the throne will be mine!!!

Fergie: I used to be famous…now I all I have to my name is Weight Watchers and potential bribery.  And my daughters look ridiculous in those damn fascinators!

 

*side note…I went to the dr. yesterday and she suspects that the lump is nothing.  She is still sending me for a diagnostic mammogram (a mammo and an ultrasound) to be safe and because she is required to by law!

Police PR Campaign

Look- I’m the first one to say that anyone who runs from the cops is guilty as sin.  GUILTY!  Throw the book at em!

I find it hard to believe that you are completely innocent if you have a reason to run from the cops because you ALWAYS get caught.  Always.  And the punishment is always worse when you run (I learned that the hard way as a child when I mouthed off to my dad one last time and then turned and ran.  He caught me and spanked the bajezuz out of me!).

The news these days is riddled with cops beating people or officer involved shootings and excessive force.  While I do find it hard to believe that the criminals are in any way innocent, I don’t think the cops are giving themselves a good name.  Recently, the cops shot a kid who was waving a gun and shooting at officers (his parents say he was unarmed despite perfectly clear video footage- seriously?).  They fired back something like 120 times.  I’m sure that adrenaline is pumping so hard that they shoot til their guns are empty because it’s a kill or be killed situation, but seriously?  You guys aren’t helping your reputation!

Police are supposed to be the good guys- keeping our streets safe.  All anyone can focus on is police brutality because they appear to use excessive force.  I’m not there (because I pull over when a black and white rolls up behind me) but it seems a bit much.  They need a serious PR campaign.  Good thing I used to work in PR (many moons ago) and have some ideas…

1. instead of being pulled over for speeding, you are pulled over and given a reward for driving the speed limit.
2. in an effort to help people, the police receive training as baristas and set up free mobile coffee carts, because caffeinated people are more sane than the decaf variety
3. 800 thread count sheets in prison (While I have no clue, I am assuming that the thread count is less than 100)
4. police will weed your garden for you
5. instead of using excessive force, the bad guy will be wrapped in a giant bear hug until he is able to be cuffed and taken away
6. handcuffs are the fuzzy ones
7. the partition that separates the front seat and back seat of a police car are covered in smiley face stickers and a ‘have a nice day’ sign
8. instead of officer involved shootings with real bullets, officers will smoke the suspect with laughing gas until he falls over giggling
9. Police dogs will be trained to lick suspects incessantly until officers catch up
10. Uniform color will change from blue, black or tan to yellow, pink and seafoam green.  Who can be mad at Easter egg colors?

P.S. my appt is at 11 today.  I’ll keep you posted!

Bumpity Bump Bump Lump

I’m a little freaked out right now.  I found a lump.  I’m sure it’s just PMS, but one can never be too sure.  I kind of told my husband about it, but don’t want to freak him out right now since his good buddy’s wife just finished her treatment for breast cancer.  I am going to go to the doctor first before I freak anybody out (I just choose to freak out my bloggy-peeps!).  I had one of my friend’s feel it and she said she could feel something, like when you are engorged when nursing, which is exactly how it feels. (I know all you male readers can totally relate).

While I am sure I am making a mountain out of a mole-hill, I can’t help but feel down because I am getting towards the age where this stuff starts happening.  I know I am by no means old or over the hill, but I am in the age range where I have to pay attention to my health.  BLAH!  I should have had a colonoscopy three years ago! (don’t worry, I have a physical scheduled for next month and will have it all addressed then).

Mainly, if I had breast cancer, I could deal with it, but I would feel bad for my kids.  So, while I obviously hope it’s nothing, that’s my bigger fear- my kids.  I will keep you all posted.  I plan on calling the doctor first thing in the morning.