Things That Irritate Me #36: Swelling

It looks worse in person…I look like I got in a fight.  This looks better, but it’s four days post removal.  I can see my cheek out of the corner of my eye.

The stitches hurt, my face is incredibly irritated from bandaids and tape and I. AM. OVER. IT.

Yes, I’m happy they got all the cancerous cells, blah, blah, blah…but I want to be able to walk around and not have people do a double take at the girl with the huge bandaid plastered across her face.

One of the ladies who takes my classes at the gym offered to punch me in the face, just to even me out.  What a sweet girl.

What’s even worse…it make me look like my dad!  You should see me with my glasses on…spitting image of good old Dave.

Change The Movie Cinderelly

I can’t believe she is making me watch this movie.  It’s not even in HD…who the hell gives a crap about some mice and a singing lady in a tower.  I want to watch something else.  NOW.  Maybe if I throw a big enough fit she’ll turn it off.

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Hmmm…so far she isn’t caving.  She’s still sitting there.  Still typing away.  Hmmm.  What can I do next?  Oh, I know, I will move closer to her and scream louder.  AHEM (come on Ally, force out some tears!)

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Oh crap, she’s trying to bribe me with food.  Fine, two can play at this game!

“Mommy, I wanna peanut butter cup.”

Damnit, I don’t want one after I finish my dinner (like that’s going to happen).  I want one now.  Maybe she’ll cave on M&Ms.

“Mommy, I want some M&Ms.”  Still no luck.  Oh, now she’s telling me to get something out of the cabinet…I wish I could reach the good stuff.  “Mommy will you open my ganola bar?”

Why is this movie still on?  Is she stupid?  Doesn’t she understand that I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS!  Oh look at that cute mousie!  He talks funny.  No, SNAP OUT OF IT!  We don’t want to watch this movie!

“Mooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t wanna watch Cinderella!  Turn it off!”

The iPad?  I’ll watch the iPad.  Where is it?  I will watch that as loud as I can and until this movie is over.  Oh look at her pretty dress and shoes!  The iPad.  FOCUS!  It’s in the kitchen…okay, what is the most annoying show app on the iPad, oh yes, it’s Curious George.  He can monkey talk for the next hour.  She’s going to keep Cinderella on, I’m going to have the annoying monkey in the background.  Look!  The carriage turns into a pumpkin!

Come on Curious George!  Yum, this granola bar is good.  I can’t believe she’s still watching it.  Oh look at that cute doggie!  He’s chasing the cat!

Why can’t I watch the iPad anymore?  Fine, she takes it away, I’ll go bug her in the kitchen.  She hates it when I bug her when she’s cooking!  She’s making chicken.  Do I like chicken today or don’t I?  I think….not. 

“Ew that’s gross!  I don’t like that!”

Why is she shoving me out of the kitchen?  That’s fine- shove away.  I can come right back in.  That’s the magic of doorways lady!  I’ll show her.  I’m NOT going to eat that chicken, even though it looks pretty good.  I’ll just go to bed without dinner and wake her up EXTRA early!

Mwah-ah-ah!

*This post inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt- What was the last thing your child threw a temper tantrum over? Write a blog post from her point of view.

Things That Irritate Me #31: Car Chases

I live about 45 minutes outside LA, so I get all of the LA news coverage.  It seems like every freaking day there is a car chase.  What does the news do- they cover it until the catch the guy.  I don’t give a shit!  I don’t want to see a car driving.  If I did, I would watch Nascar.  I want to watch my TV.  I want to watch my shows and not some dumbass who actually thinks he is going to get away (because, you know, people can run faster than bullets).

The other day, a man robbed a bank, and the car chase started.  He was throwing money out the window of the car, so people were actually in the street collecting money as police cars are whizzing past.  Talk about stupid!  Is getting hit by a car really worth the 3 dollars you are picking up off the ground?  The streets were mobbed.  When they finally caught the guy, you would think that they had Elvis in that car.  They mobbed the streets trying to get money out of the car.  The police asked that people return whatever money they took off the street.  Like that is going to happen.

THEN the news started interviewing people who said that they are keeping the money.  Stolen money.  And then put their full name on the screen.  GENIUS!!!

Is there no limit to stupidity?

Another couple of nights ago, there was a car chase and when his chase finally stopped, he jumped out and started shooting at police repeatedly with an automatic weapon.  Hmmm…let’s see how that one ends (he was only shot in the leg a couple of times).  Apparently, it’s a family trait because his brother died doing the same thing.

We have taught our kids a very important lesson (one I didn’t think my 3 and 4 year old needed to know, but since Daddy insists on watching Cops, it’s a necessary lesson)- don’t run from the police.  Ever.

It never ends well.

Things That Irritate Me #29: This Chick

After we got back from our vacation, I stopped at the ATM to replenish my wallet.  I was kind of in a hurry, or more like my patience was wearing very thin and I just wanted to get home.  I had the kids in the car and I was hungry, they were hungry.  You can see where I am going with this.

To get to this ATM, I have to turn left, then make a sharp right in front of the bank, and then pull into the ATM drive-up line.  I had made my sharp right and this chick, on her cell phone, pulls right in front of me.  I had to slam on my breaks (clearly she wasn’t looking).  She pulls in front of me in the ATM line and drives around.

A. Learn how to drive
B. Get off your phone
C. Both A and B

Because she is on her stupid phone, she doesn’t pull close enough to the ATM, so she actually has to put it in park and get out of the car.  There are walk up ATMs at this bank.  I choose to go to the drive-up for two reasons…1. I’m too lazy to get out of the car, and 2. I always have the kids with me and the parking is terrible and I don’t want to leave them alone in the car too far from me.

Not only does she have to get out of the car, she takes FOR.EV.ER to get her money.  I’m pretty sure she saw me take her picture and I don’t care!  She was bugging me.  Don’t cut me off and then get out of the car because you are too stupid to be able to drive an extra 12 inches closer to the wall without running your car into the wall.  It’s not that hard!

The Acne Chronicles-Day 2

I can see it. When I look slightly down (like I am while typing this) I can see my zit. It feels a little smaller, but it’s still huge and red.

I have given my best Kayla Maroni face for my zit…

Don’t be jealous of my morning beauty… T-minus 36 hours til vacation begins.

Zits Don’t Take A Vacation

I’m really excited to go on vacation on Friday…an entire week at the beach, where my backyard is the sand. It doesn’t get much better than that…EXCEPT for this huge mountain on my face! All of my vacation pictures are going to have me with this gigantic zit on my face! The same thing happened when I went to Hawaii! I had a huge zit in the middle of my forehead and had to wear a hat for two days.

The only cover-up I’ll be wearing at the beach will be covering my suit…that and sunscreen are all I will be wearing for 7 days! For sure this zit will be an unwanted visitor on my vacation.

This sucker has been around for several days too. I have done all short of rubbing battery acid on my face and it still hadn’t gone down. It’s bright red and it’s all you can see! I look like I have Orion’s belt on my face! I have two more days for it to subside, but I’m not holding my breath!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Insomnia

At certain times of the month, I become an insomniac. I get restless leg syndrome in my hips and I cannot sleep. I was up until 3:00 saturday morning and 1:00 this morning. It does not make for a happy Jamie. In about a week, I’m going to be The biggest bitch if I don’t get some sleep. This happened last month too and I went two weeks without a good night’s sleep. I cried a lot.

The good news is that at least I get to stay up late and watch all of the Olympics coverage. I cried when (spoiler alert) Jordyn Weiber didn’t make the all around. I also cried when the swimmers had their national anthem played. If I don’t get a good 8 hours, it won’t be the last time I cry either.

It’s very frustrating. My insomnia is relatively new and I am not happy about it. I think the only reason I slept so “early” last night was because I took a PM.

Yawn!!!

Things That Irritate Me #23: Crows

I would love to put a bullet in this thing!

I am tempted to buy a BB gun.  There have been two crows, huge crows, have taken up residence in my backyard.  Scooter is going NUTS and sits in the slider in my bedroom with a twitchy tail.  I tried to let him out to get them the other day, but he’s too stupid to know what to do and didn’t even go out the door.

These two crows caw all day long, starting at 5:45 in the morning.  My kids don’t even get up that early!  It’s too early for nature to be making noise.  The only creatures that should be allowed up at that hour are animals that walk softly and don’t make noise, like deer and mountain lions.  I have started closing my slider when I get up in the middle of the night when I get up to pee.  I told my husband his job is to close the slider when he gets up at the crack of dawn.

I am not a person who likes to hurt or kill animals.  I brake for squirrels and bunnies.  I don’t like to crush bugs, especially if they make noise when you do it.  I really don’t like to be responsible for death, unless it’s a cricket and then GAME ON!

If someone will loan me a BB gun, I will shoot the little bastards.  They need to learn a lesson.  I think you all know what lesson I am about to tell you…

DO NOT WAKE ME UP!!!

Everyone knows this lesson.  I don’t like to be woken up, I don’t like getting up early, and I sure as HELL do not want to be woken up to a noise like that!

I also live in a flight pattern of crows.  They fly out of the hills, over my house and into the next town every evening around 5.  I’m not just talking a few crows- I mean THOUSANDS of crows.  They flock for at least five minutes.  They have had articles in the paper about this strange migration of the crows (you can read it here).  When I am standing outside at that hour, it freaks me out, thinking I am about to be crapped on by a thousand crows, or that they are going to swoop down and attack.  If I can get video, I will to prove to you that I am not exaggerating! (I did just look on youtube and there is a video, but it’s of some yahoo using the crow migration as a prop in his attempt at a movie)

 

If I Had A Nickel…

If I had a nickel for every single question that I get asked during a car ride, I would be a jazillionaire.

My kids are driving me crazy!  I posted on Friday that my kids were backseat drivers…and nothing has changed in 6 days, but I might go postal if they ask me ONE. MORE. QUESTION!

My car ride from Grandma’s to a friend’s house was about 10 miles, with a little traffic on the freeway, so it took us about 20 minutes (not to mention the fact that I turned the wrong way in a town I have lived in since 1996) to get there.  For 17 of those minutes, it was question after question after question AFTER QUESTION!!!  I had to ban questions.  Ally-Qaeda doesn’t seem to understand the concept and continued to ask the same question over and over.  Eric and I both told her that there were no more questions, and he even tried to answer it for her, but she kept going until I yelled ENOUGH into the backseat.  That seemed to be enough for her and she shut up for the remaining two minutes of the ride.

I love that they are inquisitive.  I love that they ask questions (sometimes).  But I can’t handle 25 in a 3 minute period.  I am beginning to dread being in the car because they never shut the hell up!  I used to love them in the car.  They would be quiet and just comment when they saw a dump truck or a garbage truck.  Now it’s: Mommy there’s a garbage truck.  Where’s it going?  How come it’s blue?  What does garbage truck start with?  Why?  Why is it trash day?  Where is the dump?  Why do they go to the dump?  and so on and so on.  I swear on their lives that this is not an exaggeration either.  I started turning up the music and just ignoring them, but it doesn’t always help.

I’m going to LOSE MY MIND if they don’t turn back into blobs of jelly in the back seat.  Maybe I should always feed them in the car…I am willing to sacrifice cleanliness for quiet.  At this point, they are both lucky to be alive as we were in the car several times today.  SIGH…

Does This Look Clean To You???

Yesterday while making dinner, I took the kids plates out of the cabinet and that is what I found. Do you see the huge chunks of food on the “clean” plates? I post this because you probably all think that I am exaggerating when I say my husband doesn’t clean the dishes well. Those two huge brown chunks are chocolate chip pancake. I took the plate, which is plastic, and threw it at my husband while yelling “Seriously???”. He says he didn’t do it because he hasn’t touched the dishes today. I told him that I found it in the cabinet and that “I certainly didn’t put it in there.”. He still claims that it wasn’t him. This is how I know it was him…I serve the kids breakfast and lunch on paper plates. They only get actual plates at dinner time. (I know, it’s so wasteful, but if I used three plates per kid a day, I would be running the dishwasher almost every day and then we would get into this argument more than twice a week).

I put the dishes in the dishwasher because I really don’t care for dish washing. When I empty the dishwasher, I check the dishes and make sure they are clean before putting them away. If the dish isn’t clean, I put it in the sink.

Do you know how many dishes I pulled out of the cabinet until I found a clean one? Three!!!. Three f-ing dishes. The other two were covered in grease and one of them was wet! The dishwasher was emptied two days ago. We have had the ‘don’t put dishes away wet’ conversation pretty often too.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask to eat off of clean dishes, right? How f-ing lazy do you have to get where you are willing to eat off of dirty dishes? Take the extra five seconds to glance at the dish before you put it away!!! He bitches at me about making a mess, but at least my clean clothes on the end of the bed aren’t a health hazard! Do you know that whenever I make chicken, I re-wash every dish that he washes so we don’t all get salmonella? That’s just how bad he is about washing dishes and/or checking the dishes when unloading the dishwasher. This plate wasn’t even washed, it was just straight up put back in the cabinet after the kids ate. And it wasn’t them…they aren’t tall enough to reach it!

GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! MEN!