Things That Irritate Me #33: Smelling Like A Restaurant

I go out to eat a couple of times a month and the one thing I cannot stand is smelling like the restaurant when I leave.  Last night, I took the kids to Stonefire Grill (because it was raining and who wants to cook dinner when it’s raining? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!).  They serve pizza, salads, and it’s all cooked over a big stonefire grill.  The food is delicious.  I had a nice quinoa salad and the kids had spilled milk, breadsticks, and a couple bites of pizza.

You can imagine what the restaurant smells like- deliciousness and goodness.  And now…so do I.  Except I don’t want to smell like deliciousness and goodness because I don’t want my bed and pillow to smell like deliciousness and goodness.  I also don’t want to have to wash the pair of jeans I wore for one whole hour (because you know how horrible it is to wash the perfectly stretched out pair of jeans- am I right ladies?) and I really don’t want to shower unless it’s absolutely necessary.

I know it’s “cool” to have these open floor plans in restaurants where you can see the grill, but I really would prefer to sit away from the grill.  I am all for that separation of grill and restaurant.  I don’t want to see the grill.  I don’t want to wonder which server wiped his nose and then picked up my plate and grazes my meal with it ever so gently (I worked in restaurants for years…it happens.  Don’t piss off the bitchy waitress and don’t piss off the cook.  I’m not saying I ever served somebody food that fell on the floor, but someone I know may or may not have eaten floor garlic bread.)  I really would prefer to not think about what they are doing with my food.  Out of sight, out of mind.  And out of my nose!  I don’t want to smell like food all day long!

That is just one of the reasons I won’t step foot in a Burger King (that and the shortened life expectancy), a PF Changs or Beni Hana.  I don’t want to reek all day long.

Change The Movie Cinderelly

I can’t believe she is making me watch this movie.  It’s not even in HD…who the hell gives a crap about some mice and a singing lady in a tower.  I want to watch something else.  NOW.  Maybe if I throw a big enough fit she’ll turn it off.

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Hmmm…so far she isn’t caving.  She’s still sitting there.  Still typing away.  Hmmm.  What can I do next?  Oh, I know, I will move closer to her and scream louder.  AHEM (come on Ally, force out some tears!)

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Oh crap, she’s trying to bribe me with food.  Fine, two can play at this game!

“Mommy, I wanna peanut butter cup.”

Damnit, I don’t want one after I finish my dinner (like that’s going to happen).  I want one now.  Maybe she’ll cave on M&Ms.

“Mommy, I want some M&Ms.”  Still no luck.  Oh, now she’s telling me to get something out of the cabinet…I wish I could reach the good stuff.  “Mommy will you open my ganola bar?”

Why is this movie still on?  Is she stupid?  Doesn’t she understand that I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS!  Oh look at that cute mousie!  He talks funny.  No, SNAP OUT OF IT!  We don’t want to watch this movie!

“Mooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t wanna watch Cinderella!  Turn it off!”

The iPad?  I’ll watch the iPad.  Where is it?  I will watch that as loud as I can and until this movie is over.  Oh look at her pretty dress and shoes!  The iPad.  FOCUS!  It’s in the kitchen…okay, what is the most annoying show app on the iPad, oh yes, it’s Curious George.  He can monkey talk for the next hour.  She’s going to keep Cinderella on, I’m going to have the annoying monkey in the background.  Look!  The carriage turns into a pumpkin!

Come on Curious George!  Yum, this granola bar is good.  I can’t believe she’s still watching it.  Oh look at that cute doggie!  He’s chasing the cat!

Why can’t I watch the iPad anymore?  Fine, she takes it away, I’ll go bug her in the kitchen.  She hates it when I bug her when she’s cooking!  She’s making chicken.  Do I like chicken today or don’t I?  I think….not. 

“Ew that’s gross!  I don’t like that!”

Why is she shoving me out of the kitchen?  That’s fine- shove away.  I can come right back in.  That’s the magic of doorways lady!  I’ll show her.  I’m NOT going to eat that chicken, even though it looks pretty good.  I’ll just go to bed without dinner and wake her up EXTRA early!

Mwah-ah-ah!

*This post inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt- What was the last thing your child threw a temper tantrum over? Write a blog post from her point of view.

Muy Delicioso!

We went to a BBQ last night at a friend’s house. They have a great entertainers backyard. Pool, spa, fire pit, etc…if I had their backyard, I would live outside and be really tan!

I made dessert for the BBQ…get ready to have your mind blown…(for the record, I got the recipe from a friend years ago, so I can’t give proper credit)

Homemade Oreos:

2 packages devils food cake
1 cup shortening or butter
4 eggs

Combine and roll into quarter sized balls and flatten. Bake for EXACTLY 8 min at 350. Let cool.

Filling:
1/2 cup softened butter
8oz softened cream cheese
4 cups powdered sugar
1 tsp vanilla
Blend well. (this actually makes quite a bit and could probably be halved and there would still be enough)

Find two cookies of the same size, spread on filling and smash together! Warning- don’t make them too big- they are rich!

I really made these to win the Jamie-Jamie Bake Off. One of Jeff’s firefighters (also named Jamie) thinks that he can bake better than I can. I am expecting a concession speech from him at any moment. There are only two people that I know of who bake better than me, and it’s two of my friends.

Dessert #2- get ready for your head to blow off!
Peanut butter cup s’mores.

Graham crackers
Marshmallows
Reece’s peanut butter cups

Roast as usual…be prepared to never eat s’mores the same way again!

Fasting

Don’t worry, I don’t need to win my Blog Weight Loss challenge that badly…I have to have blood drawn for some routine blood work (cholesterol, liver, etc).

In case you didn’t know- fasting means not eating.  Not eating until someone stabs you in the arm with a needle and only THEN can you eat or drink anything.

I couldn’t get an appointment until 9 am.  I usually eat at 7:30 and have a cup of tea.

Have I mentioned that I like food ever?  I like to eat.  I work out as much as I do so I can eat.  I don’t even like to drink out of straws…I want my mouth to enjoy what I am drinking.  I feel the same about food.  I want to experience the crunch, the flavor, etc.

9 am.  It’s going to be a LONG morning.

There Is No Graceful Way To Eat Salad

Last night, I made myself a salad for dinner. I like salad…I think I make a pretty good one, and more specifically, I love the white trash garlic bread that I make with my salad (sourdough bread, I can’t believe it’s not butter spray, and garlic salt in the toaster oven). As I sat down to eat my salad, I realized that I was very happy that I was eating it in my own kitchen.

There is just no graceful way to shove salad in your mouth. I fill my fork and then I have to contort my mouth to shove it all in, and I have a huge mouth! I suppose I could take smaller bites and only put one piece of lettuce and one vegetable on my fork, but I like lots of favors so I load it up with peppers, olives, bacon bits and dressing, and then I look like a savage when I eat. I even cut the lettuce into (mostly) manageable pieces.

Since having children, I have found that my eating habits have become atrocious. I think it stems from shoving food in your mouth when you get a chance and not worrying about it because your next meal will easily be interrupted, if you even get the chance to make it. I try to remind myself that people are not attracted by how much food I can shove in my mouth (5 marshmallows) and that I might be disgusting people when they watch me eat. Fortunately it would cost my husband more to divorce me than dealing with my eating habits (although he is way worse. He gets food on his forehead!).

If you ever go out to dinner with me, remind me not to order a salad so I don’t look like a fool stuffing my face!

I was going to take a picture of me with marshmallows in my mouth, but I only have mini marshmallows…

Soft or Hard?

Get your mind out of the gutter people, I am talking about cookies!  My husband is a cookie freak.  So much so, that for our wedding, we didn’t have a cake, we had Mrs. Field’s cookies and vanilla ice cream (yeah- it rocked!).

My husband’s parents always got him a cookie cake for his birthday and holidays so I have carried on the tradition.  Sometimes I make it, sometimes I buy it.  We also have a steady stream of Costco cookies in the freezer and back up in the freezer in the garage.  I make cookies probably once every 6 weeks too (mine are so much better than Costco).

Anyway- he likes his cookies hard.  He puts them in the freezer.  I personally like mine soft.  I actually prefer them warm and gooey.  Sometimes I will pull one of the cookies out of the freezer and try and eat it and I feel like I am going to break my teeth.  My kids eat them out of the freezer too and I fear that they will start losing some teeth on the cookies!

So my bloggy peeps…how do you like your cookies (actual cookies No-hio- no euphemisms here), hard or soft?

Things That Irritate Me #11: Goldfish Crackers

That is a picture of the beloved kid staple, goldfish crackers, smashed to smithereens in the back of my car. FYI- my kids are only allowed to eat dry food in my car. I don’t want it smelling and filthy…that’s what my kitchen is for.

Why is it that the most popular kid food is the messiest? If a goldfish gets smashed, it doesn’t just crack into pieces. No, it smashes into a fine dust that gets everywhere. It’s like drywall dust. Every where you turn, there it is.

Now to be fair, I did a smash test of several children’s snack foods.
1. A tortilla chip
2. A Doritos
3. A wheat thin
4. A pretzel
5. Another loved kid food, the Cheerios (honey nut)
6. Goldfish cracker

I gave them all a whack with my trusty rolling pin (although after yesterday, I feel like I should probably be using it on people, not food).

They all received one whack. Not hard, just enough to crack or crush the food.
The results:

Notice the tortilla chip, the Doritos, the wheat thin, and the pretzel simply broke into a few pieces. The Cheerios is a little more mangled, but notice the goldfish…it is a fine dust that when mixed with a small amount of water, can be used to fill nail holes in your walls (if your walls are orange and ugly that is).

My experiment was a success…the goldfish is the biggest mess maker, followed closely by the Cheerios. The others are much neater, but they are also considered choking hazards and can’t be introduced until teeth are established. Both of my kids love goldfish. I find crumbs everywhere! Hansel and Gretel could find their way home with them.

In closing, I understand that they are safe for kids to eat, but please pepperidge farm…make them a little stronger! I like the interior of my car to be black, not orange!

update: I went for my second “audition” yesterday and I got the job! I will be teaching a step class every Monday!

What I Learned Last Week…

(sorry for the late addition…I am still under the weather)

1. In Dine and Dash news…At a Tip-A-Cop event in New Mexico (where police act as waiters to raise money for charity) a man skipped out on his bill at Applebee’s.  His bill was less than 30 dollars.  He was arrested.  Way to stick it to The Man pal!

2. Jesus has been sighted…on a tortilla.  A New Mexico man (is New Mexico the new Ohio?) claims to have seen the vision of Jesus in a tortilla his mother made for Ash Wednesday dinner.  The family is trying to think of ways to preserve the “miracle.”

3. In Burn Baby Burn news…a woman high on meth set a tree on fire.  Not just any tree.  The 5th oldest tree in the United States. The tree, named The Senator, is in Florida and a woman and her friends were inside the 3500 year old tree when it caught fire from their lighters.  Of course, they took pictures and videoed the whole thing.  The woman said, “I can’t believe I burnt down a tree older than Jesus!”

4. In Who Would Sign Up For That? news…a company in Milwaukee is starting a walking tour of Jeffrey Dahmer, touring the spots where he picked up his victims.  Anyone who signs up for that tour should be subject to a background investigation and one year of police surveillance!

5. In Kick Her While She’s Down news…a Catholic priest denied a lesbian woman communion during her mother’s funeral, sighting that the church considers her lifestyle a sin.  He then decided against following the service to the cemetery.  Okay…churches are allowed to have their opinions on the gay lifestyle, so I can’t fault the priest for denying her communion, but here is where I fault him (even though I don’t like it)- AT HER MOTHER’S FUNERAL?  Is he missing a sensitivity chip?  What a way to kick someone when they are down!  I am sure that the funeral service had to be planned, so WHY didn’t this conversation take place BEFORE the funeral instead of humiliating an already grieving woman at her mother’s funeral?  The local Archdiocese issued a statement saying that the priest’s actions were against church policy.

6. There is a giant rock touring Southern California and is making more news than should be allowed.  I have no idea why this huge rock is news.  I have no idea why this rock is traveling through California.  All I know is that it’s news and it shouldn’t be!

 

The Dinner Blood Pressure Rise

Every night at dinner, I become unglued. UNGLUED! My children refuse to eat dinner. They will not touch it. Now, let’s get this out of the way now- I am a good cook. I like to cook, I can follow a recipe, I can cook. (sorry to burst the bubbles of any smartasses out there).

Tonight I thought I would do something fun. I made turkey burgers (with mozzarella and Parmesan cheese) and used cooked cutters to make them into hearts and stars and a butterfly, which really just ended up looking like a shoe. I also made “turkey eggs” and then some regular patties for myself. I made a big deal out of it to the kids. After I barbecued them (because it’s 80 degrees here and I can) they ended up with the grill marks, so I called them striped turkey eggs. They were super excited. I baked some criss cut fries and gave them a nice presentation with black olives, one heart and one striped turkey egg each, and fries, with ketchup and BBQ sauce as their choices of dipping sauce.

Eric would not touch it. He wouldn’t even try it. Ally ate most, she is easier than he is, but she is her own story.

These are our rules:
1. You have to try it, but you are allowed to not like it if you try it.
2. I will NOT make them anything else to eat. You don’t eat what I cook, you don’t eat.
3. We have even started taking their milks away since that will usually fill them up a little (we are trying to make them hungry and want to eat).
4. If you want dessert, you have to finish your dinner.
5. If you don’t try it, you have to go to your room. Toys are taken out of their rooms.

They would be very happy eating Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets every day, but I refuse to feed them that crap. Maybe once a week they get one, but I would rather they not have it at all. I even tried giving Eric organic Mac and cheese that looks the same as easy Mac and he won’t eat it. He is the biggest challenge. He will eat chicken sometimes, and will devour a certain kind that I make, but if it’s in a different form, he says he doesn’t like it. He will sometimes eat the side dishes but nothing else. He won’t even try the food. He will just say “I’m going to my room” and leave the table to his room.

Allison is a little easier. She will at least try something and she will eat much more than Eric, but she takes FOREVER to eat. It takes her 45 minutes to eat a really small meal. I have to hound her to eat, give her a time limit and then throw her food away if she hasn’t finished by bath time. Of course, she throws an EPIC shit fit. She will work for dessert though. If she really wants a cookie, she will wait til the last minute, but she will finish.

By the end of dinner, I am ready to give the both up for adoption and I get so angry that I blow. I guess I am lucky because they will eat fruit and vegetables and cheese. They also eat breakfast and lunch easily. It’s just dinner.

For lunch, they often don’t finish, but we make them finish it before they can have a snack, even if it’s hours later. We cut snacks by 3:30 and we usually eat around 5:30.

I NEED HELP! Even if you read and don’t normally comment, I beg of you…leave me some advice. I want to shove them in the oven every night and am tired of throwing food away. Should I make them eat their dinner for breakfast? I will listen to any and all reasonable advice.

HELP!!!!!!

I Could Totally Be A Vegetarian, Except For The Not Eating Meat Part

We are trying something new in my house.  My husband and meat do not mix well and I usually end up gasping for breath as he dutch ovens me in the bed, or crop dusts me in the kitchen.  It’s cruel and unusual and the only thing I can think of is that he is deeply effected by meat.  His gas often smells exactly like whatever meat product he has consumed.

So, we are trying to eat less meat when he is home.  Thank God he is at work several nights a week or I would cry.

I LOVE meat.  It’s so glorious!  It’s salty and flavorful and represents all that is good in life…the slaughter of innocent animals all in the name of a good recipe!

Some of my favorite meats are pork products, although I don’t eat them often due to their ass-increasing abilities.  Specifically, salami, pepperoni, bacon and sausage.  Those are my favorites.  I love salt, and all of these satisfy my desire for high blood pressure sodium.  My next favorite is good old cow.  There is nothing quite as tasty as a hamburger, strike that- a cheeseburger or a good steak.  It’s amazing how something as tough as meat can melt in your mouth like butter when cooked correctly.  I see cute adorable little cows and I can’t help but think how I want to pen them in little cages to make them tender and delicious!  My last favorite is chicken.  I eat this most frequently because it is easy to prepare and healthy.  Chicken can be delicious in many many ways, depending on how it’s cooked.  I prefer the garlic method.  Drown it in garlic and I am a happy girl.  Drizzle it with a creamy sauce and I will smile through my whole meal.

So, in closing, I love meat- pork, chicken, beef, and turkey (especially at Thanksgiving).  If Jeff were home every night, I would never even consider going meet free.  Ever.  But since I can guarantee he will be at work at least three nights a week, I am willing to give it a go.

Made the other night and not liked by my husband- even though it was delicious.

Black Bean and Butternut Squash tacos: (I didn’t use the whole recipe, but the main dish I used)

refried black beans (I made my own by mashing a can of black beans)

butternut squash sauteed with cumin, cinnamon and salt/pepper

caramelized onions (not part of the recipe, I made my own)

Layer black beans, squash and onions on corn tortilla, top with sour cream and devour.

I ate 3.  My husband choked down one.  Kids weren’t even allowed to try it because I know they won’t eat it.