An Ode To Michelle Duggar

Kids pop out of you like puppies, most people think you should close your knees.

19 children are in your care, yet you still have a full head of hair.

Your house is clean, your children fed, there isn’t a bullet in your head.

You love Jim Bob and never fight and clearly have some steamy nights.

How do you manage so many kids and not manage to flip your lid.

I have two and am ready to fly, I couldn’t imagine 17 extra little guys!

So Michelle, I have to say- good for you in your own Duggar way.

How you manage is a mystery, I’m just glad it isn’t me!

 

Change The Movie Cinderelly

I can’t believe she is making me watch this movie.  It’s not even in HD…who the hell gives a crap about some mice and a singing lady in a tower.  I want to watch something else.  NOW.  Maybe if I throw a big enough fit she’ll turn it off.

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Hmmm…so far she isn’t caving.  She’s still sitting there.  Still typing away.  Hmmm.  What can I do next?  Oh, I know, I will move closer to her and scream louder.  AHEM (come on Ally, force out some tears!)

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Oh crap, she’s trying to bribe me with food.  Fine, two can play at this game!

“Mommy, I wanna peanut butter cup.”

Damnit, I don’t want one after I finish my dinner (like that’s going to happen).  I want one now.  Maybe she’ll cave on M&Ms.

“Mommy, I want some M&Ms.”  Still no luck.  Oh, now she’s telling me to get something out of the cabinet…I wish I could reach the good stuff.  “Mommy will you open my ganola bar?”

Why is this movie still on?  Is she stupid?  Doesn’t she understand that I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS!  Oh look at that cute mousie!  He talks funny.  No, SNAP OUT OF IT!  We don’t want to watch this movie!

“Mooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t wanna watch Cinderella!  Turn it off!”

The iPad?  I’ll watch the iPad.  Where is it?  I will watch that as loud as I can and until this movie is over.  Oh look at her pretty dress and shoes!  The iPad.  FOCUS!  It’s in the kitchen…okay, what is the most annoying show app on the iPad, oh yes, it’s Curious George.  He can monkey talk for the next hour.  She’s going to keep Cinderella on, I’m going to have the annoying monkey in the background.  Look!  The carriage turns into a pumpkin!

Come on Curious George!  Yum, this granola bar is good.  I can’t believe she’s still watching it.  Oh look at that cute doggie!  He’s chasing the cat!

Why can’t I watch the iPad anymore?  Fine, she takes it away, I’ll go bug her in the kitchen.  She hates it when I bug her when she’s cooking!  She’s making chicken.  Do I like chicken today or don’t I?  I think….not. 

“Ew that’s gross!  I don’t like that!”

Why is she shoving me out of the kitchen?  That’s fine- shove away.  I can come right back in.  That’s the magic of doorways lady!  I’ll show her.  I’m NOT going to eat that chicken, even though it looks pretty good.  I’ll just go to bed without dinner and wake her up EXTRA early!

Mwah-ah-ah!

*This post inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt- What was the last thing your child threw a temper tantrum over? Write a blog post from her point of view.

The First Rule Of Sleep Club

I may have mentioned in the past that I enjoy my sleep. I need my sleep. I cherish my sleep.

There are a few people who don’t have the same feelings on sleep that I do. These two.

Ally talks and walks in her sleep. It usually comes in the form of her freaking me out and coming into my room asking to be covered up (a task she is fully capable of completing by herself). This request is usually followed up by a request for ice water. That generally gets her a very loud go to bed!. Fortunately she complies, but the damage is already done.

Eric likes to get up early and watch the iPad. I’m sure he likes his alone time in the mornings (god knows I would like some) but when you’ve been waking up at 7-7:30, 6:20 is a little too early…especially when you are similar to your mother when you don’t get enough sleep.

Ally, for the first time in three weeks, slept through the night last night. Eric did too, but woke up at the ass crack of dawn. Not cool.

I don’t know why they don’t understand rule #1… DON’T WAKE UP MOMMY!

Helllllllooooo!

Hey All!  How are you?  Did you miss me?  I am now about 4 shades darker than I was and OH SO relaxed!  We had a wonderful vacation!  The weather was perfect almost every day, with exception to the very last day which was cloudy and misty.  We couldn’t have picked a better week to go to the beach.

Eric is a total beach baby!  He was at home there (just like his momma!)  He learned how to boogie board with me and loved collecting all the kelp and forming piles of it on the beach (he likes to pile, just like his daddy!).  Allison was a little more difficult.  She showed some TRUE colors on our vacation, and for about two days, I just wanted to take her home so I could lock her in her room.  Overall, she did well, but we are actually seeking professional help for her.  She has become a little unbearable and we are just trying really really hard not to hurt her until help arrives.

The only problem we had on our trip (other than Ally’s epic meltdowns) were some neighbors from down the way.  They kept crossing our seawall (against HOA rules) and got pretty douchey when I asked them to stop.  They threw the “I’m a homeowner” card (no you aren’t- your daddy is an owner) and tried to say that the seawall was public access…because doesn’t every HOA allow people to walk across walls 20 feet high?  There’s no liability there at all- especially not with those huge rocks in the sand.  I finally had to tell him to stop ruining our vacation and to not cross again.  The next door neighbors reported them to the HOA and apparently the issue was solved!  But if that’s the worst thing that happened on my trip, I can handle it!  We are going to try and go every year, assuming we can get the same house.

It was so nice to just sit and relax.  I didn’t have any obligations at all!  It was great!  AND I got a new job!  I am quitting the virtual school and going to work for a new one that pays 2.5 times what I make and I only work 4 hours a week instead of 12!  I am very excited!  And if anyone is interested (hocking my goods here) I have become a 31 Bag Consultant.  They are really cute bags for all occasion in fun colors.  You can see my website here!  I promise never to pimp my goods here again- just wanted to throw it out there.  I basically have so many of these bags that I figured I could sell them and fuel my addiction!

Here’s a few pics from our trip (if you follow me on Facebook, I apologize for the repeats)

The kids running from the waves

It’s gonna get ya!

Happy beach kids!

who doesn’t love a tushy shot?

what a terrible view!

the house we rented had a HUGE sandbox on the deck

Moving the kelp

My beach blondie

Eric would pretend to be a wave and would crash on the shore

more kelp removal

Gorgeous sunset

the epitome of fashion

A little beachfront lunch

Eric learning to boogie board (and your bikini shot No-hio)

Once he realized that he had to hold on, he loved it!

Checking out the birds, the kelp…the neighbors

I’m seriously tempted to put her in baby modeling

yummy smores (made with a peanut butter cup instead of a chocolate bar- try it you will LOVE it!)

Me and my main squeeze

Our humble little abode for the week

Childbirth a la 4 Year Old

Let’s lighten it up today, shall we?  I want to thank those who read yesterday for all commenting with respect for everyone else.  I knew I liked my readers!

So, on the agenda for today…childbirth by Eric.

Eric: When you have a baby, does the doctor remove the baby from your belly?

Me: Yes

Eric:  But sometimes babies come out of your na-na.

Me: Yes, sometimes they do.

Eric:  Did I come out of your belly or your na-na?

Me:  You came out of my belly.

Eric: Did Ally come out of your na-na?

Me:  No, she came from the same place you came from (starting to sweat a little)

Eric:  Where? (ah, crap!)

Me:  You came out of that line on my belly. (please let that be a good enough answer)

Eric:  What line? (Damn!)

Me:  Making a slashing line across my belly- that line on my belly.

Eric: How come I didn’t come out of your na-na? (hand slap to forehead)

Me: Finish your dinner (because you had a big frickin head!)

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At the grocery store on Sunday- both kids in the front of the cart:

Eric: Did Aunt Kelly have her baby?

Me:  Yes she did.

Eric:  Did he come out of her na-na or her belly?

Me: He came out of her na-na.

Eric: Where do babies come from?

Me:  Mommy’s bellies (please let it end there!)

Eric: How do they get in mommy’s bellies? (groan)

Me: Ummmm (nervous laughter), ummmmm (please don’t let the guy stocking soda hear this conversation), ummmmmm… a really special hug.

Eric:  A special hug!!!

Ally: Na-na!  (thank goodness for the immaturity of my three year old)

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The Urine Soaked Smell of Little Boys

A most of you know, I have a little boy. He’s four and a half. He’s tall, handsome and funny. He started to tell jokes. A sample of his joke telling skills: why did the helicopter land on the fence? Why? Because!

Hilarious.

He is fully potty trained and has been for a while. Around Christmas he stopped wearing diapers to bed. He has accidents occasionally at night, but they are becoming more and more infrequent. No matter what, his entire bed always smells like pee. I wash it regularly, but he is basically swimming in urine stench.

My biggest problem is that I always smell urine. I smell it everywhere! He stands when he pees, but doesn’t realize that when he turns, the spray goes with him. I have literally watched him turn around and spray the entire bathroom, and he is completely oblivious.

I bought new mats for the kid’s bathroom. The old ones were white- not a good combo for kids! I thought they would stay nice for a while, but they are now smelling like pee! I wash them regularly and with vinegar and they still always smell like pee. That might be because the second I put them back in the bathroom, he pees on them again…

I was in my bathroom the other day doing Ally’s hair. She was sitting on my toilet and all I could smell was pee. I look at that back of the toilet and there was dried pee all over it. Eric had gone in my bathroom the day before.

I’m not sure if this will ever change. I’m pretty sure I will deal with this until he leaves the house for college.

What I Learned This Week…

1. In Travesty and Damnation news…a shipment of fake Pokemon cards was seized at the Port of LA.  The 33,000 cards have a street value of 218,000 dollars.  Well thank goodness customs caught that.  I can rest easy now knowing that no fake Pokemon cards are on the streets of LA.

2. In What The F*ck Is Up In Ohio news…a woman is panhandling with a sign that says “Not Homeless, Need Boobs!”  She has collected about 90 dollars of the 5,000 that she needs.

3. A Michigan woman kept the mummified remains of her best friend in an armchair so they could watch Nascar races together.  She talked to him and cleaned him for over a year.  She said she wasn’t ready to let go and wasn’t ready to be alone.  She also confessed to cashing his benefits checks after he died.

4. In Will He Fit In The Overhead Compartment? news…an Egyptian couple traveling to the UAE did not have the appropriate visas for their 5 month old son and were told they had to wait 2 days to get the necessary documents.  When they got tired of waiting, they just stuffed the baby in their carry-on and tried to get through security. DUMBASS STAMP OF THE WEEK!!!

5. In Fast Tracked to Hell news…a nun was killed by a hit and run driver in the Hamptons.  I believe you get to the portion of hell where Hitler and Osama are when you kill a nun!

6. In This Is My Hometown In The News news…A naked teenager was arrested after trying to steal a patrol car.  He was stun-gunned and sent to prison.  Yes folks- even my town makes the news sometimes!

 

Returning to Old Habits

I did something I haven’t done in a while last night.  I sat down and wrote and it felt great!  Some of you might know that I plan on writing a book about the trials and tribulations of my lovely daughter.  I had a few chapters written and decided to scrap them and start over.  She is a delightful little girl and I love her with all my heart, but if I can make her pain in the assness my money maker…well, I’m gonna!

I probably won’t share again, but wanted to throw the first chapter out there for you.  It’s written from her perspective with footnotes from her brother.  Please share any feedback you might have. The last book I wrote was when I was ten and it was poorly written at best ! …*Disclaimer- this is my work- no stealing!

Chapter 1- Let the Torture Commence

I don’t know WHAT my mom was thinking!  She had a baby, and then got pregnant with me.  What a lucky lady!  She probably should have had me first, because then she wouldn’t have had anymore.  She always says that…if she had me first, she wouldn’t have had a second child.  She must think that I am something special to not want any more kids after me[1]!

When I came into this world, I wanted to look my best, but with the limited wardrobe in the womb, I had to make do with what I had.  I had this long dangly thing that I thought would look GREAT as a necklace.  My brother has a really big head[2] and Mommy had a c-section with him, so I was a c-section too.  When the doctor pulled me out of Mommy’s belly, he noticed my necklace, and I was so bummed when he took it off!  It had taken me so long to get it on and he just took it right off without even asking me.  So I bit him!  Yup, I bit the doctor[3].   I had to show him who was boss.

My brother tried to kill me when I was in the hospital.  He got really sick the night after he came to visit me.  I’m pretty sure he was trying to establish dominance but he failed miserably.  He should have learned right then and there that I am the boss.  I don’t care if he’s older, I will rule him[4] (more on that later).  It’s like I’m invincible.  Nobody can take me down.  I don’t know why they even try.

For the first four months of my life, I was decent.  I had to downplay my powers before I put them into full effect.  I even slept through the night once in that time.  I was one month old and thought I would give mom a little teaser.  From then on, I got up at least once a night for the next two and half years.

I have to prove that I am the boss.  It’s like with pack animals.  In a pack, there is always the alpha.  The alpha is the leader of the pack and it goes his way.  Others may try and fight for the alpha position, but a true alpha will stand tall and never back down.  The alpha establishes dominance early on and makes sure the rest of the pack knows that he isn’t to be messed with.  Or in this case SHE isn’t to be messed with.  Don’t mess with me.  I’m the alpha.  I established dominance.  I don’t plan on losing my alpha status.  EVER.  Challenge me.  See what happens.  It won’t be pretty.[5]

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[1] *Big Brother Note- Ally has a highly elevated sense of self.  Little does she know that what Mommy actually means is that she couldn’t IMAGINE another child like Ally!  The reason she had Ally was because she wanted more kids like ME!  Well, that and ovulating and not paying attention to the calendar.

[2] It’s true.  My head is huge.  But so is Ally’s, she just has hair to hide how large it actually is.

[3] That should have been the first indicator that she is a complete and utter pain in the ass!

[4] No she doesn’t!!!

[5] I don’t recommend angering her!

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Thanks for reading.  Let me know what you think-even if you think it’s the worst idea ever.

Happy 4th of July!  Be safe!

 

Things That Irritate Me # 22: Lady on a Bus

You may have all seen the news story about the kids who tortured a poor elderly woman on a bus.  It’s disgusting.  This woman works as a supervisor on the bus and the kids are torturing her and calling her names and being so cruel.  How do you get to be a child like that?  They made her cry.  And not once did she retaliate.  She simply kept telling them “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t anything at all.”

Eric and I were in Target a few months ago and he saw a couple walking together.  They were about 5 feet away from us and he said “Hey look at those fat people.”  I turned 90 shades of crimson, grabbed his face and told him to never say that again as I quickly ushered him away from the couple.  We stopped and talked about it.  I told him that it wasn’t nice to call people fat, even if that’s what they are.  I told him it’s the equivalent of calling somebody a mean name.  He is my sensitive child and immediately started crying after I told him that it could hurt their feelings.  He was sitting in the cart and spent the rest of the trip with his face down on my arm, feeling terrible and embarrassed.  He only made the mistake one other time, but at least was out of ear shot when he did.  This time he said “that man is huge.”

I know my four year old is experimenting with adjectives, but I immediately told him that it’s the same as calling someone fat.  I said you can only call someone huge if they are really tall.  Now he is the “fat” police.  It’s all over commercials, tv shows, talk shows, etc.  He hears it every time, tells me they said fat, and we talk about how it isn’t nice.

Now, he is 4.  While not the nicest thing, it is somewhat acceptable for him to refer to a person that way.  It’s just like when Ally saw my husband wearing a black shirt and said “That black guy is my dad.” (almost spit out a mouthful of food when she said that too).  It’s descriptive and innocent, but they still need to learn that it isn’t okay.

How do you  become a 14 year old who talks like that?  How do you not know what you are doing is wrong?  How do you live with yourself?  The parent of one of the kids was on GMA and said that they have been getting death threats.  While I don’t condone that, serves them right.  If I EVER find out that my kid said something like that, I would bend him over my knee and whack his ass so hard with a belt that he wouldn’t be able to sit straight for a year.  I want my kid to be the one that says- “Hey assholes!  Knock it off!”

In junior high, there was this girl named Erica.  She was kind of a nerd and not in the in crowd (I wasn’t either).  A bunch of kids were torturing a bug on the playground.  Seeing what they were doing, she went over and killed the bug, knowing that it was being tortured to death.  I want my kid to be her.  I never forgot that because I knew she did the right thing.  That was over 20 years ago and that is what I remember from her.  I wish I could get in touch with her because I would tell her that too.

As a parent, I feel it is my responsibility to make my kids productive, kind members of society.  It makes you wonder what goes on behind closed doors that makes a kid do that to an older woman.  She’s someone’s grandmother.

I have many relatives that are overweight.  I would DIE if my kids ever said anything to them.  My husband has a weird hang up about weight because his best friend’s mother is morbidly obese.  She recently lost 80 lbs and is still morbidly obese.  She needs to lose easily 150 lbs.  He watched her get made fun of as he grew up.  He even told his parents to never get fat.  While it’s good that he has made lifestyle choices to avoid becoming overweight, he has a stigma now.  Once we had our daughter, I told him that ALL references towards weight were no longer acceptable.  We don’t even use the word fat in this house.  It’s forbidden.  He used to make mention of my grandma and how overweight she is.  I finally had to tell him “you know you are talking about my grandmother, knock it off”.

I certainly hope those boys pay for what they have done.  I hope their classmates no longer stand by them as friends.  If they are that “brave” to say something like that to the face of an adult, what do you think they are saying to the kids, or about them behind their backs?

It’s just disgusting.  There are no other words for how tasteless, classless and morally reprehensible those kids are.  I certainly hope their parents have laid down the law and that they won’t be seeing the outdoors any time soon.

What I Learned This Week…

1. And here I was using water all this time…a man is being convicted of murder of his 4 month old after mixing her formula with vodka.  DUMBASS STAMP OF THE WEEK!

2. In 911 Is For Personal Use News…a man called 911 after the deli made his sandwiches incorrectly.  Apparently he asked for less meat and more cheese, didn’t like how all 14 of them turned out and called 911.

3. Parental Protection at it’s finest…a San Francisco couple, whose daughter was involved in prostitution with a pimp, tracked down the pimp and shot him dead.  They shot him while has was driving his Toyota Camry.  Does anyone else find it odd that a pimp drives a Camry?

4. In First of Many ‘Embarrassing Mom’ Moments news…mothers at a preschool got into a brawl during preschool graduation.  One particular mother was mad because the kids had to share cap and gowns due to budget cuts- so of course, a brawl is called for.

5. In The Dingo Really Did Kill the Baby news…a coroner in Australia has concluded that a dingo really did kill the baby.  30 years later.  That’s right- 30 years later.  (Good luck getting that out of your head today!)

6. A pair of lungs were found on an LA sidewalk.  No other body parts, just lungs.  The Sheriff’s department noted that this was the first time that lungs had been found on a sidewalk.  Why the lungs?  Why not the kidney’s or the spleen?  What is the significance of the lungs?

7. In What A Weird Thing To Steal news…13 cases of toothpicks (over 400,000 toothpicks) were stolen from the manufacturer’s plant in Georgia.  Someone either has a message to send, or ate something that gets in between your teeth easily.  Ribs?  Oreos?  Perhaps a popcorn kernel?

8. In Only In Texas news… a gun range is now open for children’s parties.  Kids must be 8 years old and be tall enough to reach over the shooting table.  What a wonderful way to introduce children all hopped up on sugar to firearms.  What do they get in their goody bags?  Bullets?  Shell casings?  Firearm permits?

Thank you to List of X for some of the submissions this week!