Father’s Day- A Tale of Revenge

This week’s Mama Kat’s Writing Prompt is: List 10 things you’d would love to give your husband or Dad for Father’s Day.  Well, you all know me…this won’t go over as intended!

1. Stretch Marks– I would love to give my beloved my stretch marks.  They crept in while I was pregnant with my daughter and are completely evident on my love handles (he can have those too) and show up mostly when I am tan.  I thought a tan was supposed to make you look better!

2. Bags Under My Eyes– I have three jobs, two of which are from home and I work my ass off, while taking care of the kids.  Sleep often goes by the wayside.  The bags have settled in under my eyes and are migrating lower and lower down my face.  Since I can’t fall asleep on the couch, or on the floor or wherever I rest my head for a second like he does, I think it’s only fair that he gets my bags.

3. Complete Dad Duty– It’s Father’s Day…he deserves to spend the entire day with his children.  By himself.  Alone.  And the kids are cranky and have a lot of sugar.  They can show him how much they love and appreciate him without me nagging them.

4. My Devil Horns– these are what I call my hairs that are still growing back in from when I lost them after I had my kids.  I constantly look like I have horns because the hairs that frame my face stick straight up.  They look amazing.  They don’t make me look crazy at all.

5. Dinner Duty– I would love nothing more than to give my husband all the power in the kitchen.  He can cook whatever he wants (within caloric reason) whenever he wants and make sure the kids are fed something other than chicken nuggets and Easy Mac.  He can look through recipes for the best meal to meet the needs of our family.

6. Five Extra Pounds- He is entitled to my 5 extra pounds this Father’s Day.  Since he has lost 20 pounds since we have had our daughter, he is allowed to take on my extra baggage.

7. Taxi Duty- I will put the car seats in his truck and he can haul the kids all over town to school and their activities.  He can handle all the questions that happen during these car rides. (He’ll be lucky if his ears aren’t bleeding by the end of it)

8. Complete Grocery Store Power– as long as he buys what I like and not crap.  He is allowed to go to Vons with both kids and shop his little heart out while trying to stick within a reasonable budget and using coupons and online deals.  All while pushing 85 pounds worth of children in the car cart, and trying not to knock over displays, and threatening/bribing for chocolate milk.

9. Early Morning Wake Up– This one is a present he gets only sometimes, but he is allowed to get up with the kids whenever they get up in the middle of the night, sleep with one of them glued to his side, and then enjoying nice early morning arguments and loudness.

10. A Day of Disney– All Disney, all day.  Hopefully during a rainy day so there is nothing to do but watch every Disney movie on the planet.  Over and over and over.  Nothing says Happy Father’s Day like a princess in distress!

14 Responses to “Father’s Day- A Tale of Revenge”

  1. 1 May May 24, 2012 at 7:47 am

    This made me laugh. It does seem like they come out of this whole parenting experience with less visible marks than we do, doesn’t it?

  2. 2 Jerri May 24, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Oh I would have loved to give my hubby grocery duty when the kids were little! But he would have came home with a million snacks, two gallons of milk, and no meat, potatoes or vegetables …

  3. 4 Lisa Wields Words May 24, 2012 at 10:34 am

    This year I would like to give him one month of single parent duty, since he gave it to me. (He did give me an nice mother’s day, but I think that was because he knew what was coming).

  4. 6 Kathryn McCullough May 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Ha–I was going to say this was cruel and unusual punishment but then I remembered–hell, this is your LIFE. He’ll only have to deal for a day. More power to you, Jamie!

  5. 8 savanahprose May 24, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    Stretch marks – maybe think – I am a tigress, hear me roar. Definitely applies when tan. ;)

    The car cart. Oy, my kiddo ALWAYS demands that cart. It’s the HUMMER of shopping cards – too big for sure! I always breath a sigh of relief when they’re all gone.

  6. 10 Annie May 26, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Amen! Especially the early morning wake up duty, and specifically, the MIDDLE of the night duty! For some reason with our little one, just because I can fall back to sleep alot easier than my husband can, I’ve always been the middle of the night bitch!!

  7. 12 Kat May 28, 2012 at 7:19 am

    All Disney all day? COUNT ME IN!!

  8. 13 Kat May 28, 2012 at 7:23 am

    ps Can we also make him breastfeed? Just to make up for lost time?

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