Archive for the 'dreams' Category

Today I Feel Proud

Today I am proud.

I am proud that my children can grow up in a country where they can be whatever they want to be and won’t be considered a second class citizen. My children are 4 and 5, I don’t know what their sexual preference will be when they grow up, and I don’t care. They can love whomever they want and I will be happy. More importantly, if they want to marry- they have all the freedom and rights of anyone else.

I am not always proud to be an American, but today I am.

The Beatles had it right- “all you need is love.”


What I Learned This Week…

1.  (insert best New York accent) In I’ll have some fava beans and a nice Chianti news… a New York cop is being held without bail,  accused of conspiring to kidnap, rape, torture and cook a number of women and eat their body parts.  People really do taste like chicken!

2. In I Am Speechless news… A Serbian man carried out his dead wife’s wishes and had her vagina carved onto her tombstone.  She said she never wanted her husband to look at the privates of another woman.  But men across Serbia can look at hers!!!

3. In more Jackassery and Douchebaggery news…Richard Murdock suggests that pregnancies from rape are God’s will.  He says the rape isn’t God’s will, but the baby is.  Bill Maher suggests that the Republican party needs to step up and say that Republicans will not tolerate this as part of their party beliefs.  If you live in Indiana, for the love of God, DO NOT vote for this man.

4. In What The F*ck Is Up In Ohio news…An Arby’s worker was fired after she fled the restaurant when a man wielding a knife showed up and tried to rob her.  She screamed for help and then jumped out the drive thru window stating “I’m not going to die in Arby’s tonight”.  This was the third time the restaurant had been robbed in 6 months.  She “violated policy” according to the franchise owners.

5. A Jersey City man is under a psychiatric evaluation after he stripped naked, defecated in a police cruiser and bit off his own finger before swallowing it.   Cops are pretty sure he is on PCP as he tried to gnaw off his wrists in the third attempt to get him to the hospital.

6. In Surprisingly, This Did Not Happen In The South or Ohio news…a little girl is fighting for her life after a relative shot her with a shotgun.  The little girl was in costume as a skunk and hid in the bushes around the relatives home.  The relative mistook her for a skunk and started target practice.  She is alive, but fighting for her life.

7. In Trumped news…Donald Trump is offering 5 million dollars to the charity of Obama’s choice if he releases his college entrance applications and transcripts, passports, etc.  Stephen Colbert is offering Trump a million dollars to the charity of his choice if he’ll let Stephen dip his balls in Trump’s mouth.  I’m with Colbert!

The Secret to a Good Night Sleep

It seems like every week my local news channel has unlocked the secret to getting a good night’s sleep.  Unfortunately I can never watch it because it’s (ironically) always on the 11 o’clock news.  Don’t you think that should be 5 o’clock news so everyone can watch and learn the new miraculous sleep cure.

I have the cure for sleep, it’s very simple…get in bed, turn the lights off, close your eyes.  BAM!  You now owe me 500 dollars.  I know for some people it just isn’t that easy.  When I was about 9, I went through a very long period of insomnia.  My parents tried everything…after weeks and weeks, I finally picked up a book that my grandmother gave me.  Three pages into The Yearling and I was out like a light!  I highly recommend it.  If you find The Yearling to be a good novel, try something that you know will put you to sleep, like an anatomy textbook, or a physics text.  Better yet, geology- that put me to sleep in college.  In fact, it made it hard to wake up to get there too!

If that doesn’t work either, Nyquil is an excellent friend.  Take a little swig (or appropriately measure out of the bottle to avoid overdose: disclaimer) and wait for the rich cherry goodness to take hold.  I sleep GOOD on Nyquil.  I don’t take it very often because I wake up groggy and my children and I don’t seem to get along when I am groggy.  If I am sick, Nyquil and I are besties!  When my husband is sick, he takes Nyquil and a swig of his cough syrup with codeine.  I have to check to make sure he is breathing in the middle of the night, although the snoring is usually an indicator that he is (and I want to smother him with a pillow).

I have been having trouble staying asleep lately.  Last night Alan Alda and I were at an award’s dinner in San Diego with my kids, one of their friends and my ex-boyfriend.  Alan was upset that he didn’t get an award after all his years of service in the military.  Those are the kind of dreams I have that make me wake up and go WTF?  BUT at the end of my dream, my ex-boyfriend turned into William Levy and I didn’t care that he was cheating on his wife!

Hubba hubba!!!

I would love to have dreamless sleep.  I really would.  My dreams are vivid, bizarre and they leave me very restless.  I talk in my sleep often and that keeps my husband up too sometimes.  His favorite thing that I have ever said in my sleep is ‘cheese fries’.  I don’t know why I was talking about cheese fries, but I suppose it’s better than trying to pull him out of bed to go catch the canoe.  I’ve done that too.

My sister has some really good stories of me talking in my sleep and she has my permission to post them…


I Pledge…

I pledge to:

  1. never wear shorts so short that my pockets are longer than the shorts
  2. always tell my kids that I love them (even when it gets hard to do so)
  3. continue to spread the word that gays and lesbians deserve the same rights as heteros and that thinking otherwise makes you a bigot
  4. always have my toes painted- always!
  5. finish that book I have been writing
  6. expose my children to fairness and integrity
  7. maintain my sarcasm and wit at all times (it makes me who I am!)
  8. continue on in my quest to have my husband play catch with Joe Montana (he hit on my mother in law in Whole Foods- had I known I would have made her ask!)
  9. hopefully never have a dog (although I had a temporary lapse the other day and almost took one home)
  10. keep it hot and spicy (you know what I mean?)
  11. cook Thanksgiving dinner just once (twice if it turns out edible)
  12. have my children grow up to be kind, loving, fair human beings
  13. try not to kill my husband when his farts smell so bad I can taste them
  14. stay healthy so my kids have a mom for a long time
  15. try to curb my temper when I have PMS
  16. get away with friends more often (talking to you Gretchen!)
  17. possibly go back to school to get my master’s degree (maybe, I’m not sold on this one- I hate going to school)
  18. meet George Clooney- I live close to LA, it could happen! (my girlfriend met him at a restaurant and made him take a picture with her- apparently he wasn’t too happy about it)
  19. get Laser eye surgery (I wonder what looking at the clock and being able to see it looks like)
  20. be on Chelsea Lately…I really think I could hang!

What I Learned This Week…

1. In What A Crazy B**ch news…a flight attendant on an American Airlines flight got on the intercom and told all the passengers that the plane was going to crash, citing 9/11, terrorism and union issues.  Because I have heard that Al-Queda is responsible for labor talks between the airline unions.  She was restrained and sent to the hospital for evaluation (5150 anyone?)

2. In High and Tight news…the creator of Spanx is now on the Forbes billionaires list.  That’s right men, we will squeeze our collective asses into compression garments and be uncomfortable JUST to fit into our clothes better.  Good for her!  I bet the creator of the girdle is a little pissed.

3. In This Is Why Baby Benadryl Was Invented news…a family was thrown off a Jet-Blue flight because their two year old was having a tantrum.  The child would not sit down before take-off and the parents had to hold her down to get her buckled and keep her seated.  A spoonful in the airport and another spoonful when you get on the plane…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

4. The clothing company Madhouse (a British company) is under fire for it’s clothing labels which state the washing directions followed by “or give it to your woman, it’s her job.”  The company claims that the pants are from an outside company, and didn’t proof the labels.  They also think it is funny…as do I.  I’m almost 100% convinced that people can’t take a joke anymore.

5. In Auto-Correct Is Annoying news…a student sent a text to a friend that said “gunman at west hall today” instead of “gunna be at west hall today” and caused a lockdown at two schools.  The kid who sent the text accidentally sent it to the wrong number which happened to be of a student at the school!  The worst I have ever auto-corrected is Seriously turned into Gy.

6.In more Facebook Will Ruin Your Life news…A Washington man is being charged with bigamy after he suggested that his wives friend each other on Facebook, thus revealing wedding photos with each of them.  When are people going to learn?  Don’t post shit on the internet and you would be surprised at how much you can get away with!

7. In This Is My Biggest Fear news…after a town in Eastern Australia experienced some major flooding, all the spiders, hundreds of thousands of spiders, retreated to higher ground.  These hundreds of thousands of spiders are all creating webs which is blanketing the town.  They don’t believe that the spiders are poisonous to humans.   ACK!

8. In What The F*ck Is Up In Ohio? news…a woman in a domestic dispute with her husband bit off his lip.  Unhappy in her relationship, she punched her husband in the face and then jumped on him and said “If you don’t want me, I’m going to make sure no one wants you,”  Authorities found the lip sitting on the couch next to a cigarette.  The lip could not be reattached.  Mission accomplished!

9. I am a finalist again on The Good Greatsby…please head here and vote for me.  While you are there, read him!  He’s now a regular on the Huffington Post!  I’ve never won and my confidence is starting to take a hit.  Please vote for me and vote often!  I need a victory!

I Used To Be A Chick, Now I’m Just A Mom…

I had a rather harsh realization yesterday.  I dropped Eric off at preschool and then Ally and I headed to Vons to go to the Starbucks in the store (it was cold, I needed hot chocolate).

The Starbucks guy knows my order.  It is my regular grocery store, after all, but I still had to wait in line.  As we waited, I noticed there were a lot of college age kids in the store and what looked like a coach.  After reading a few shirts, I realized the local college tennis team must have been taking a pit stop before on their way to a tournament.

I got my hot chocolate and Ally and I walked back to the car so I could take her to Mommy and Me.  When I got outside the store, I noticed the tennis team van and a bunch of the team waiting outside around it.

Back in the day (AKA- pre-kids), that used to be my favorite.  I could walk past a group of guys and feel them stare at me.  It’s a total ego boost, and it’s nice to know that you aren’t a complete hag and people are taking notice.  This time- NOTHING.  Don’t get me wrong- I was decked out to the nines, forget that, the 10s!  My husbands big, baggy fleece sweatshirt, jeans and running shoes with my hair in a ponytail and cover up on my face, barely disguising the two volcanoes that have been erupting, and yet nothing!

Maybe it’s because the boys are probably so young that they never watched the real 90210, maybe it’s the fact that a woman with a child is far from appealing to a 20 year old, or maybe I’m no longer a chick.  I’m just a mom.

I can deal with accept my new social status.  I enjoy my new status, but I wouldn’t mind being a chick every now and again (you know- just for a confidence booster).

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might

This posting inspired by Mama Kat’s Writing Prompt I Wish…

I wish:

I did not have to pin my son down and shove medicine down his throat (already done this a.m.)

I was not covered in sticky pink medicine (on my white bathrobe)

I did not have PMDD (that’s premenstrual dysphoric disorder) that makes me ragingly angry (Prozac?  Check!)

That my thighs were three inches thinner and my love handles were not handles

That George Clooney would be my personal slave for at least a day (out of this entire list…I’ll take this one!)

That I had Jennifer Lopez’s eyebrows instead of my little caterpillars

That my mom was still here (Happy Birthday Mom)

That I would be Freshly Pressed again (I can’t help it- I’m a comment junkie)

That 8 hours of sleep was attainable (damn you Friends reruns!)

That I could sing like Lea Michele on Glee! (so my kids ask me to stop singing…big deal)

That I had a book deal (wouldn’t you want to read a book about an evil little girl who is out to ruin her parent’s lives?)

That I didn’t have a sick little girl (bronchitis round 2 coming up)

That I was on Chelsea Lately

That I could find the perfect pillow (all of mine are too thin or too thick, I need one that’s just right)

That there was no NFL!  Or College football!  Or NBA!  (or Cops, Cheaters, Jersey Shore, etc…)

And honestly, while all of the above would be fun, if I had a wish, it would be that my life is exactly the same (minus the PMDD and the love handles)

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The Life of Jamie by Jamie S. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License.
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