Posts Tagged 'kids'

Why I Hate The Park

Inspired by a friend…

I love taking my kids to the park. I love taking them home from the park. I’m not a huge fan of the park itself.

Let me backtrack…the walk to my local park is great. I can take a creek walk to get there, a side road, a shortcut…there’s tons of fun ways to get there and a lot to see (and it’s full of rocks and pebbles which makes Ally happy- and it’s ALL about keeping her happy!)

Once we get to the park, my loathing begins. Here are all the reasons why I hate the park.
1. There is virtually no shade…unless I want to stand. I would prefer to sit. Always.
2. There are children there. I love my kids. I tolerate my friends kids. I can’t stand stranger kids…especially the ones that try and steal my water bottle or throw sand in my kids eyes.
3. It’s always hot.
4. Germs. I know that I take my kids to the park when they’re sick, which means everyone else does too. If you think about everything that kids touch at a park, it’s Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon- booger edition.
5. The bathrooms are like a mile okay 150 yards away…and they are disgusting. And I’m always afraid that some dirty old man is going to try and steal my kids out of them.
6. I have to get up from my not shady seat to take them to the bathroom.
7. I do not want to squeeze my ass down the kid sized slide. Ever.. I also don’t feel like a giant playing on the play structure. I just feel like a fat ass.
8. Other parents. Sometimes I just want to look at Facebook and text my friends. My kids are good kids and not that brave, so I’m good looking up occasionally. Some moms (or worse, grandparents) want to chat your ear off. I take my kids to the park because I’m sick of hearing them argue in the house. I want some peace and freaking quiet at the park! I also don’t want judgmental stares from them when I tell my kid to rub it and don’t go running when he bonks his head again.
9. Sand. It gets everywhere…in my kids hair, in their pockets, their shoes, the cuffs of their pants. This just means it gets all over the floors in my house. I also do not like sand in my shoes. I don’t want to go trekking through the sand because you want me to come see something . The tiny stick you found is not that interesting that I have to get up from my to shady seat…unless you are saving me from a story from grandma Moses who has chosen to sit right next to me and not on one of the other million benches in the park.
10. The shoes/no shoes battle. Sometimes you can take your shoes off, sometimes you can’t. When it’s 90 degrees outside, you have to keep them on. When there are tons of kids- keep them on. When it’s cooler and not as busy, feel free to take them off. Don’t argue with me just listen to what I have to say and do it!
11. (Bonus)- teenagers at the park. They take over the swings and the play equipment, swear and spit and demonstrate how not to use playground equipment. What’s even better is when those same teenagers come to the park at dark and smoke their cigarettes and leave the butts all over the playground where kids from 0-18 are playing. Classy. And hanging at the park didn’t work out so well for Pony Boy and Johnny…but I suppose they’d have to read a book to get that reference.

So there you have it. Love going, love leaving…not a huge fan once I’m there.

An Ode To Michelle Duggar

Kids pop out of you like puppies, most people think you should close your knees.

19 children are in your care, yet you still have a full head of hair.

Your house is clean, your children fed, there isn’t a bullet in your head.

You love Jim Bob and never fight and clearly have some steamy nights.

How do you manage so many kids and not manage to flip your lid.

I have two and am ready to fly, I couldn’t imagine 17 extra little guys!

So Michelle, I have to say- good for you in your own Duggar way.

How you manage is a mystery, I’m just glad it isn’t me!


Change The Movie Cinderelly

I can’t believe she is making me watch this movie.  It’s not even in HD…who the hell gives a crap about some mice and a singing lady in a tower.  I want to watch something else.  NOW.  Maybe if I throw a big enough fit she’ll turn it off.

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Hmmm…so far she isn’t caving.  She’s still sitting there.  Still typing away.  Hmmm.  What can I do next?  Oh, I know, I will move closer to her and scream louder.  AHEM (come on Ally, force out some tears!)

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Oh crap, she’s trying to bribe me with food.  Fine, two can play at this game!

“Mommy, I wanna peanut butter cup.”

Damnit, I don’t want one after I finish my dinner (like that’s going to happen).  I want one now.  Maybe she’ll cave on M&Ms.

“Mommy, I want some M&Ms.”  Still no luck.  Oh, now she’s telling me to get something out of the cabinet…I wish I could reach the good stuff.  “Mommy will you open my ganola bar?”

Why is this movie still on?  Is she stupid?  Doesn’t she understand that I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS!  Oh look at that cute mousie!  He talks funny.  No, SNAP OUT OF IT!  We don’t want to watch this movie!

“Mooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t wanna watch Cinderella!  Turn it off!”

The iPad?  I’ll watch the iPad.  Where is it?  I will watch that as loud as I can and until this movie is over.  Oh look at her pretty dress and shoes!  The iPad.  FOCUS!  It’s in the kitchen…okay, what is the most annoying show app on the iPad, oh yes, it’s Curious George.  He can monkey talk for the next hour.  She’s going to keep Cinderella on, I’m going to have the annoying monkey in the background.  Look!  The carriage turns into a pumpkin!

Come on Curious George!  Yum, this granola bar is good.  I can’t believe she’s still watching it.  Oh look at that cute doggie!  He’s chasing the cat!

Why can’t I watch the iPad anymore?  Fine, she takes it away, I’ll go bug her in the kitchen.  She hates it when I bug her when she’s cooking!  She’s making chicken.  Do I like chicken today or don’t I?  I think….not. 

“Ew that’s gross!  I don’t like that!”

Why is she shoving me out of the kitchen?  That’s fine- shove away.  I can come right back in.  That’s the magic of doorways lady!  I’ll show her.  I’m NOT going to eat that chicken, even though it looks pretty good.  I’ll just go to bed without dinner and wake her up EXTRA early!


*This post inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt- What was the last thing your child threw a temper tantrum over? Write a blog post from her point of view.

The First Rule Of Sleep Club

I may have mentioned in the past that I enjoy my sleep. I need my sleep. I cherish my sleep.

There are a few people who don’t have the same feelings on sleep that I do. These two.


Ally talks and walks in her sleep. It usually comes in the form of her freaking me out and coming into my room asking to be covered up (a task she is fully capable of completing by herself). This request is usually followed up by a request for ice water. That generally gets her a very loud go to bed!. Fortunately she complies, but the damage is already done.

Eric likes to get up early and watch the iPad. I’m sure he likes his alone time in the mornings (god knows I would like some) but when you’ve been waking up at 7-7:30, 6:20 is a little too early…especially when you are similar to your mother when you don’t get enough sleep.

Ally, for the first time in three weeks, slept through the night last night. Eric did too, but woke up at the ass crack of dawn. Not cool.

I don’t know why they don’t understand rule #1… DON’T WAKE UP MOMMY!


Hey All!  How are you?  Did you miss me?  I am now about 4 shades darker than I was and OH SO relaxed!  We had a wonderful vacation!  The weather was perfect almost every day, with exception to the very last day which was cloudy and misty.  We couldn’t have picked a better week to go to the beach.

Eric is a total beach baby!  He was at home there (just like his momma!)  He learned how to boogie board with me and loved collecting all the kelp and forming piles of it on the beach (he likes to pile, just like his daddy!).  Allison was a little more difficult.  She showed some TRUE colors on our vacation, and for about two days, I just wanted to take her home so I could lock her in her room.  Overall, she did well, but we are actually seeking professional help for her.  She has become a little unbearable and we are just trying really really hard not to hurt her until help arrives.

The only problem we had on our trip (other than Ally’s epic meltdowns) were some neighbors from down the way.  They kept crossing our seawall (against HOA rules) and got pretty douchey when I asked them to stop.  They threw the “I’m a homeowner” card (no you aren’t- your daddy is an owner) and tried to say that the seawall was public access…because doesn’t every HOA allow people to walk across walls 20 feet high?  There’s no liability there at all- especially not with those huge rocks in the sand.  I finally had to tell him to stop ruining our vacation and to not cross again.  The next door neighbors reported them to the HOA and apparently the issue was solved!  But if that’s the worst thing that happened on my trip, I can handle it!  We are going to try and go every year, assuming we can get the same house.

It was so nice to just sit and relax.  I didn’t have any obligations at all!  It was great!  AND I got a new job!  I am quitting the virtual school and going to work for a new one that pays 2.5 times what I make and I only work 4 hours a week instead of 12!  I am very excited!  And if anyone is interested (hocking my goods here) I have become a 31 Bag Consultant.  They are really cute bags for all occasion in fun colors.  You can see my website here!  I promise never to pimp my goods here again- just wanted to throw it out there.  I basically have so many of these bags that I figured I could sell them and fuel my addiction!

Here’s a few pics from our trip (if you follow me on Facebook, I apologize for the repeats)

Childbirth a la 4 Year Old

Let’s lighten it up today, shall we?  I want to thank those who read yesterday for all commenting with respect for everyone else.  I knew I liked my readers!

So, on the agenda for today…childbirth by Eric.

Eric: When you have a baby, does the doctor remove the baby from your belly?

Me: Yes

Eric:  But sometimes babies come out of your na-na.

Me: Yes, sometimes they do.

Eric:  Did I come out of your belly or your na-na?

Me:  You came out of my belly.

Eric: Did Ally come out of your na-na?

Me:  No, she came from the same place you came from (starting to sweat a little)

Eric:  Where? (ah, crap!)

Me:  You came out of that line on my belly. (please let that be a good enough answer)

Eric:  What line? (Damn!)

Me:  Making a slashing line across my belly– that line on my belly.

Eric: How come I didn’t come out of your na-na? (hand slap to forehead)

Me: Finish your dinner (because you had a big frickin head!)


At the grocery store on Sunday- both kids in the front of the cart:

Eric: Did Aunt Kelly have her baby?

Me:  Yes she did.

Eric:  Did he come out of her na-na or her belly?

Me: He came out of her na-na.

Eric: Where do babies come from?

Me:  Mommy’s bellies (please let it end there!)

Eric: How do they get in mommy’s bellies? (groan)

Me: Ummmm (nervous laughter), ummmmm (please don’t let the guy stocking soda hear this conversation), ummmmmm… a really special hug.

Eric:  A special hug!!!

Ally: Na-na!  (thank goodness for the immaturity of my three year old)


The Urine Soaked Smell of Little Boys

A most of you know, I have a little boy. He’s four and a half. He’s tall, handsome and funny. He started to tell jokes. A sample of his joke telling skills: why did the helicopter land on the fence? Why? Because!


He is fully potty trained and has been for a while. Around Christmas he stopped wearing diapers to bed. He has accidents occasionally at night, but they are becoming more and more infrequent. No matter what, his entire bed always smells like pee. I wash it regularly, but he is basically swimming in urine stench.

My biggest problem is that I always smell urine. I smell it everywhere! He stands when he pees, but doesn’t realize that when he turns, the spray goes with him. I have literally watched him turn around and spray the entire bathroom, and he is completely oblivious.

I bought new mats for the kid’s bathroom. The old ones were white- not a good combo for kids! I thought they would stay nice for a while, but they are now smelling like pee! I wash them regularly and with vinegar and they still always smell like pee. That might be because the second I put them back in the bathroom, he pees on them again…

I was in my bathroom the other day doing Ally’s hair. She was sitting on my toilet and all I could smell was pee. I look at that back of the toilet and there was dried pee all over it. Eric had gone in my bathroom the day before.

I’m not sure if this will ever change. I’m pretty sure I will deal with this until he leaves the house for college.

Previous Happenings

My Ramblings

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 303 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 258,361 hits
Creative Commons License
The Life of Jamie by Jamie S. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 303 other followers