Posts Tagged 'movies'

Change The Movie Cinderelly

I can’t believe she is making me watch this movie.  It’s not even in HD…who the hell gives a crap about some mice and a singing lady in a tower.  I want to watch something else.  NOW.  Maybe if I throw a big enough fit she’ll turn it off.

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Hmmm…so far she isn’t caving.  She’s still sitting there.  Still typing away.  Hmmm.  What can I do next?  Oh, I know, I will move closer to her and scream louder.  AHEM (come on Ally, force out some tears!)

“I dddddddddooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt wannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa watch Cinderelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllla!  Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t want to watch it!  Turn it off!”

Oh crap, she’s trying to bribe me with food.  Fine, two can play at this game!

“Mommy, I wanna peanut butter cup.”

Damnit, I don’t want one after I finish my dinner (like that’s going to happen).  I want one now.  Maybe she’ll cave on M&Ms.

“Mommy, I want some M&Ms.”  Still no luck.  Oh, now she’s telling me to get something out of the cabinet…I wish I could reach the good stuff.  “Mommy will you open my ganola bar?”

Why is this movie still on?  Is she stupid?  Doesn’t she understand that I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS!  Oh look at that cute mousie!  He talks funny.  No, SNAP OUT OF IT!  We don’t want to watch this movie!

“Mooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmy, I don’t wanna watch Cinderella!  Turn it off!”

The iPad?  I’ll watch the iPad.  Where is it?  I will watch that as loud as I can and until this movie is over.  Oh look at her pretty dress and shoes!  The iPad.  FOCUS!  It’s in the kitchen…okay, what is the most annoying show app on the iPad, oh yes, it’s Curious George.  He can monkey talk for the next hour.  She’s going to keep Cinderella on, I’m going to have the annoying monkey in the background.  Look!  The carriage turns into a pumpkin!

Come on Curious George!  Yum, this granola bar is good.  I can’t believe she’s still watching it.  Oh look at that cute doggie!  He’s chasing the cat!

Why can’t I watch the iPad anymore?  Fine, she takes it away, I’ll go bug her in the kitchen.  She hates it when I bug her when she’s cooking!  She’s making chicken.  Do I like chicken today or don’t I?  I think….not. 

“Ew that’s gross!  I don’t like that!”

Why is she shoving me out of the kitchen?  That’s fine- shove away.  I can come right back in.  That’s the magic of doorways lady!  I’ll show her.  I’m NOT going to eat that chicken, even though it looks pretty good.  I’ll just go to bed without dinner and wake her up EXTRA early!


*This post inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt- What was the last thing your child threw a temper tantrum over? Write a blog post from her point of view.

Great Movie Insults for Rush

I was reading the Idiot the other day on the merits of Rush Limbaugh.  Yes, I realize it is an oxymoron to use Limbaugh and merits in the same sentence, but the Idiot gave me a GREAT idea…

There really are no words to describe Rush Limbaugh, or at least not a male equivalent.  Usually, I think the c-word for females is horrible and should never be used, but Rush really is the equivalent of the c-word.  The term I normally use to describe Rush is a douche-bag, but that’s even too kind.  It’s actually an insult to Summer’s Eve to call Rush a douche-bag.  I have been racking my brain trying to come up with something suitable for him and have come up empty-handed.

Normally I wouldn’t blog about name calling (unless it’s Snooki) but since he considers me to be a whore because I took birth control pills, I figure he’s got it coming.  Here are a couple of ideas based on some of my favorite movies:

He’s a boil on the butt of humanity!  (Steel Magnolias)

If I had a dog with a face like yours, I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards (Gleaming the Cube)

You warthog faced buffoon (The Princess Bride)

You son of a motherless goat (Three Amigos)

You’re an emotional cripple, your soul is dog-shit.  Every thing about you is ugly (Bad Santa)

You are a sad, strange little man (Toy Story)

I wouldn’t piss on your gums if your teeth were on fire (Encino Man)

What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things ever said.  Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.  May God have mercy on your soul. (Billy Madison)

To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! (A Fish Called Wanda)

I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol? (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)

You’re a gutless turd (Breakfast Club)

You’re about as useful as a cock flavored lollipop (Dodgeball)

You’re somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates in the corners of your mouth when you’re really thirsty (Con Air)

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest (Vertical Limit)

You are literally too stupid to insult (The Hangover)

5’9?  I didn’t know they stacked shit that high (Full-Metal Jacket)

You’re a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot (Nine to Five)

You’re in more need of a blow-job than any white man in history (Good Morning Vietnam)

You would need three promotions to get to be an asshole (Biloxi Blues)

You are nothing!  If you were in my toilet bowl, I wouldn’t bother flushing it. (Swimming With Sharks)

There’s just two kinds of people.  My kind of people and assholes.  It’s rather obvious which category you fit into. (Pink Flamingos)

You have sunk below the deepest layer of prehistoric frog shit at the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp (War of the Roses)

You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit! (Full Metal Jacket)


Please feel free to leave your own…I would love to see what you all come up with.  You can visit the video of 100 greatest movie insults HERE and the other 100 greatest movie insults HERE  It’s worth the laugh!







What’s Your Favorite Movie?

I was watching the MTV Movie Awards last night (don’t judge, it’s one of the funnest ones to watch), which I love because they give awards to movies I have actually seen. I watched a couple of Oscar movies, but I have seen WAY more MTV Awarded movies.  They had a segment on cult classics, like Weird Science, The Breakfast Club, etc…pretty much any John Hughes film out there, and it got me thinking about my favorite movies.

I have ranked them here for you.  #1 is in fact my all time favorite movie…

  1. Dirty Dancing, because nobody puts Baby in a corner.  I can recite the entire movie and can even do the dance.  I was so sad when Patrick Swayze died.  I saw him at a restaurant in LA about 12 years ago and he was still looking GOOD!
  2. Tommy Boy– one of the greatest quotable movies of all time.  Who’s your favorite rascal?  Alfalfa, or Spanky?  You can get a good look at a t-bone by sticking your head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take the butcher’s word for it.  I could go on and on!
  3. Love Actually– I even walked down the aisle at my wedding to one of the songs.  It’s just a feel good movie where everyone ends up happy and in love.  It makes me smile every time I watch it.
  4. Anchorman- The Legend of Ron Burgundy– another movie that is great to quote. That’s Sex Panther by Odeon…it’s made with real bits of panther.What’s that Baxter?  You know I don’t speak Spanish.  I can outquote The Rookie Dad on this one, and he was in the news biz (Bring it Brandon!)!  It gets funnier every single time I watch it.
  5. The Notebook– an epic love story (and Ryan Gosling).  Nuff said!

What’s your favorite movie (or favorite movie quote)?



This movie makes my skin crawl.  I saw this movie when I was in high school.  I went with my boyfriend and he took great delight in making me scream every 5 seconds once we left the theater.  Let me back up a minute…

I was 16 and on a date with my steady boyfriend.  We decided to go see Scream because it was the biggest, baddest movie out at the time.  I was nervous- I won’t lie.  My friend had already seen it and she told me she wanted to go home while she was watching it.  While that statement probably upped my fear factor, I still was willing to go see it, especially while wrapped in the strong arms of my boyfriend (who am I kidding, he was scrawny and only two inches taller than me).

We get to the theater, probably for an 8 o’clock movie, and there is a mother in there with her FIVE year old!  A five year old at a rated R SCARY movie (parent of the year)!  There weren’t a ton of people in there, maybe about 1/3 full, so we took some seats in the back and got ready to scream.

Within the first 5 seconds of the movie, I wanted to leave (my friend very accurately described the feeling the movie gave you).  It scared the absolute crap out of me, but in a completely ridiculous manner.  The movie really is stupid, and when you watch it again during the day with the lights on with friends you see how stupid is really is…but I digress.  This movie scared me so bad that I literally was afraid to be alone.  To make matters worse- I had to drive home from my boyfriend’s house after the movie.  At 11 at night.  Down a dark road.  Fortunately, my sister had been at a friend’s house nearby and she was in the driveway getting ready to leave.  I pulled over and yelled at her to hurry up and follow me home so I didn’t have to enter our dark house alone.

Kelly took great delight in this (I used to get her while she was in the shower- she was scared to death of Chucky, so I would walk in and karate chop my hands while saying Chuck, Chuck, Chucky! and she would FLIP out!), but followed me home.  I am convinced still to this day that she took a little longer than necessary just so I would have to stand alone in my driveway, trembling in fear, for a few moments.  I made her walk behind me into the house and follow me to my room and turn my light on and check under my bed and in my closet.  She laughed the whole way, poked me in the sides, making me muffle a scream.  Needless to say, I ended up in bed with my parents that night due to nightmares (before you go making wisecracks- when I have nightmares- I have the scariest nightmares ever- always have.  People are trying to kill me usually- so I would go sleep with my mommy! So there!).

Just the mere mention of this movie brings the anxiety right back, which leads me to my point with this whole story.  They are coming out with Scream 4 and are heavily advertising it.  Last night while I was watching TV, they ran the commercial at least 794 times, along with another scary movie where a boy is haunted.

WHY do people make scary movies?  If I were an actor, I could NEVER make a scary movie simply because I would be crying while making the movie, and then wouldn’t be able to go to my own premiere!  I don’t like to be scared and on edge for that long.  It must go along with my dislike of surprises…I don’t like surprises- I don’t like the anxiety of waiting and wondering.  I just want to know.

Let’s face it, I’m a weenie!  Make fun all you want!  I will stick with my comedies, action movies and chick flicks and will be perfectly content!

P.S. I got two more articles published on Blissfully Domestic- one under humor and one under books!

P.P.S- thanks to Zenmamajo for making me a Versatile Blogger (if you don’t read her, you should- she’s pretty funny!).  I have recently partaken in this award and it’s duties, so I will defer to that post here!  Thanks Jo!!!

What I Learned This Week…

1. In Mother of the Year news…a West Virginia mom got hammered, high and then passed out.  She rolled over onto her 3 month old baby and killed it.  This is why the family bed is not ever a good idea, especially if you imbibe heavily.  Buy your kid a crib and stick them in it!  Oh did I mention that Drunky McStonedface tried to blame SIDS instead of stupidity?

2. A Latvian man was arrested for shooting and killing a man for eating his popcorn to loudly during a viewing of Black Swan.  I saw the movie, it’s really good, but if the heavy breathing in the film doesn’t make you want to fly off the edge, the man smacking his popcorn really shouldn’t bother you.

3. Make sure you pay your cable bill or your husband might kill you!  A man threw an ashtray at his wife’s head after he learned she didn’t pay the cable bill while he was hospitalized.  She then tried to leave him and packed up a bag, which he lit on fire.  She left, stayed at a friend’s house, and died on the couch as a result of the head trauma.  If my husband steals the remote and forces me to watch Cops, sure I get annoyed, but my next logical step is to wait until he leaves the room and then steal the remote back.  I certainly would never kill him over it- unless he interrupts me during an America’s Next Top Model marathon and then I cannot be held accountable for my actions.

4. A woman in Florida was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon when she attacked her roommate for eating her (wait for it)…Girl Scout Cookies!  She chased her roommate with scissors and bit her in the boob.  Now everyone knows, when you are fighting over Thin Mints, you don’t bite your roommate in the boob- you bite off their fingers so they can’t reach into the box anymore.  DUH! DUMBASS STAMP OF THE WEEK!

5. An 11 year old boy in Colorado was arrested and thrown in jail for drawing a violent picture in school.  The boy is being treated for ADD by a therapist and the therapist told him to draw pictures when he could feel himself getting out of control.  Sounds reasonable, right?  Well the boy drew 4 people in a line-up with him pointing a gun at them and write the words teachers must die...but his mommy says he would never hurt anyone.

6. A California man who was supposed to be taking care of his uncle in his uncle’s home decided to let his dead body stay there for 30 days and spend his money.  He used his uncle’s ATM card and went to Vegas.  What a nice nephew.  I only hope my niece will take such good care of me when I am older.

7. A woman in Memphis had her life saved by a pizza (claims the headline).  Jean Wilson ordered a pizza every single day and it was often delivered by Susan Guy.  When Jean didn’t order for a few days, Susan stopped by her house and discovered the woman had fallen and couldn’t get up.

8. In fantastic irony– a drunk driver smashed his car into a sober living home.  Nobody was killed, except maybe the driver’s buzz.

9.  And in more irony news, the former president of the FL chapter of Mother’s Against Drunk Driving was arrested on DUI charges.  I’m thinking maybe, just maybe, she should practice what she preached!

10. A 14 month old wandered off from her mother in the bank where she worked and ended up locked in the vault for several hours.  That’s like a scene out of DuckTales!!!  Remember when he would surf on his gold and swim in it?

11. Here little boy, here little boy…a 42 year old woman used ‘things’ like an x-box, to lure underage boys to have sex with her.  She is also a mother of three, who must register as a sex offender and is going to jail.  These stories are becoming more and more frequent…1. are these adults really stupid enough to think they won’t get caught, and 2. is it really worth becoming a sex offender?  There are zillions of websites dedicated to keeping sex offenders away from children, school, humans.  Need a cheap thrill?  Go skydiving.

12. In follow up news…the man who blew his wad into his co-worker’s water bottle has been convicted. ‘He admitted that he ejaculated into an “attractive” co-worker’s water bottle because “her lips had touched it,” but told detectives he never thought she would drink it.’ EW EW EW EW EW EW!

13. In more follow up news…the kidney sisters- the ones who were in jail but were going to be released so one could give a kidney to the other are back in jail.  They are too overweight for the surgery and need to lose 110 pounds before they can have it.

14. In suck on that news- Douchebag Charlie Sheen may have put the nail in his own coffin.  After several rants on the radio, his show has been taken off the air for the rest of the season.  Sure, it puts everyone there out of work, but I hope they go after him for his salary and the salary of his crew!  That would be awesome!

Missed Moments

Before you go thinking I’m going all sappy on you today, let me assure you- there will be NO SAP in this post.

There are moments in life that I am missing.  And in no particular order, here they are:

1. Quiet mornings (nothing is quiet with a 3 year old and a 1 year old whose only volume control is loud and louder)

2. Hitting the snooze button.  I don’t even remember how to set my alarm anymore.  I am consistently woken up between 5:45 and 6:30 everyday

3. Hangovers.  And not the actually feeling of being hungover, because I feel the same way with sleep deprivation, but the fact that in order to get a hangover, one must go out, have a good time, stay out way too late, wake up late and then spend the rest of the day napping on the couch watching America’s Next Top Model reruns, consuming massive quantities of greasy food.

4. Washed hair.  Who has the energy to wash your body AND your hair anymore?

5.  Movies.  I miss going to the movies and seeing all the new flicks.

6.  A smaller waist.  I blame my daughter- I really do.

7. A clean car.  My car has so much crap in it that I can’t see the floor in the backseat- between jackets, shopping cart covers, diaper bags, and other crap, well- the floor is actually pretty clean since it has a protective barrier of crap.

8. Bikinis…I am desperately trying to make my body acceptable by society’s standards to wear a bikini, but after carrying two Joeys in my pouch, my belly may never be the same.

9. 3 loads of laundry.  That used to be all I did- 3 loads.  My husband does his own laundry since it mainly consists of musty work out gear and socks.  I had two-three loads per week.  Now I am lucky if I don’t have at least a load a day.

10. My old hairline.  After having my kids, my hair fell out (as it does with most women), and now I have the hairline of a 75 year old man.  I have always had a widows peak, but now I have a receding hairline and a hair do that looks mediocre on it’s best day.

So there you have it…my missed moments.  Nothing sappy about any of them!


What I Learned This Week…

1. Justin Bieber is coming out with a movie.  Not one he is acting in, but more of a documentary about his life- kind of like an E! True Hollywood Story on steroids.  I would love to ask the question- who would ever go see that- but I know that millions of tweens and teens are all going to flock to the theaters to see his bad haircut on the big screen.  Whoever is marketing this kid must be raking in the dough!  The line in the movie trailer is “America made him famous.”  So that’s who we blame.  America.

2. Man-whore, douchebag Charlie Sheen wrote a $30,000 check to a porn star.  I’m not really surprised.  I guess in his coked-out, drunken stupor, he decided he wanted to start a ‘porn family’ and he wanted her to be a part of it.  What exactly is a porn family?  Because is seems to me, if you have a porn family, you need a sister, a brother, mother, father, etc…and doing your ‘porn sister’ would just be weird.  What is even more surprising is that man-whore Charlie Sheen lives in Encino- or more commonly referred to as The Valley. (there are some really nice parts of The Valley, but it’s no Beverly Hills, Brentwood, or Hollywood)  Maybe he can’t afford a nicer neighborhood due to the high cost of cocaine and porn stars. (*update- Charlie Sheen is now in home rehab and his show is on hiatus putting over 300 people out of work!  Hope the evictions of your underpaid staff members was worth it!)

3. Evidently there are not enough strippers on hand to meet the expected demands of Super Bowl fans.  Wow, there is a sentence I never thought I would write.  Apparently, a comfortable tourist-to-dancer ratio during the Super Bowl is about 30-to-1.  Maybe I should bust out my stilettos and try and pay off my student loan this weekend.

4. The mayor of Lancaster, CA (which is a city that makes this story not so surprising) wants to play birdsongs on Lancaster Blvd to make the residents of the town happier.  You could pump the town full of nitris oxide and I still think the townspeople would be miserable because they live in Lancaster!\

5.  A mother killed her two children for being mouthy.  She shot both of them in the head and is clearly crazy.  If this was the proper punishment for teenagers, the human race would have ended probably 200 years ago.  Try a time-out lady!

6.  Hugh Jackman eats 6,000 calories a day to stay bulked up for Wolverine.  That must be nice.  If I ate 6,00o calories a day, I would gain two pounds a day.  I can eat 1200 calories a day.  You tell me what’s fair.

7. Lindsey Lohan apparently stole a 25,000 dollar necklace.  So in addition to alcoholic, drug addict, bad driver, we can add grand theft!

8. In what might be seriously depressing news…Farrah Fawcett’s red bathing suit is in the Smithsonian.  You know- the museum with dinosaur bones and real historical items.   In addition to the bathing suit, other historical artifacts will be displayed: an original copy of the swimsuit poster, a leather-bound book of Fawcett’s personal copies of scripts for the first season of ‘Charlie’s Angels,’ a Fawcett swimsuit jigsaw puzzle, a “Farrah Phenomenon” 1976 edition of TV Guide, a ‘Charlie’s Angels’ 1976 edition of Time magazine, an original 1977 Farrah Fawcett doll and a ‘Farrah’s Glamour Center’ hairstyling toy.  I can’t think of anything more historic to put in the Smithsonian.  Screw history.  Who wants to learn about natural history or air and space when you can look at a 40 year old red bathing suit that by today’s standards, no woman would be caught dead in.

9. A woman has been charged with animal cruelty for shipping  a puppy to another state inside a priority mail box.  I wonder if she used the flat rate mailer or if she paid the regular rates.

10. Politics Daily reports that Sarah Palin’s lawyer has filed applications with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin.”  Does that mean whenever I bash the woman I am going to have to write Sarah Palin ™ or will be hit with a fine?

11.  CNN reported a story that bubbles don’t pop in -30 degree weather.  That’s right- CNN- our go -to for serious journalism.

12. Wikileaks has been nominated for a Nobel Prize.  Who is next- Osama Bin Laden?

13. And lastly Scooter the Psychic is making his Superbowl Winner Prediction.  (he took a break from licking his nuts to make the selection)

Looks like the Packers will be taking home the trophy

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